Most people think of separation anxiety as something toddlers go through on the first day of daycare. But adults can feel it too. Maybe you panic when your partner doesn't text back, can't sleep when they travel or feel sick at the thought of something happening to someone you love. Separation anxiety in adults is real, and therapy can help. This guide covers the signs, possible causes and how therapy can help.
This post is general information, not a diagnosis or a treatment plan.
What separation anxiety in adults looks like
Separation anxiety is intense fear or distress about being apart from the people you're closest to, or worry that something bad will happen to them. For adults, that's often a partner, child, parent or close friend.
It used to be thought of as a childhood condition. That changed in 2013, when the American Psychiatric Association updated its diagnostic manual, the DSM-5. The APA's summary of DSM-5 changes explains that the age-of-onset rule was removed because a substantial number of adults report that their separation anxiety began after age 18.
Separation anxiety is one of several anxiety disorders. The National Institute of Mental Health describes anxiety disorders as involving anxiety that doesn't go away, can get worse over time and can interfere with daily life.
Common signs
Everyone misses the people they love. Separation anxiety goes further. Signs may include:
Constant worry about loved ones. Fear that something bad will happen to them when you're apart.
Distress before separations. Dread before a partner's trip, a night out or even a workday.
Checking in often. Needing frequent texts or calls to feel okay.
Trouble sleeping alone. Feeling unable to settle when someone isn't nearby.
Avoiding time apart. Turning down work, travel or social plans to stay close.
Physical symptoms. Headaches, nausea, a racing heart or panic when separation comes up.
Nightmares. Dreams about losing someone or being left behind.
A diagnosis is made by a qualified professional, such as a psychologist, after a careful assessment. In adults, the APA notes the fear and avoidance typically last six months or more.
Separation anxiety in relationships
Separation anxiety in relationships often shows up as a strong need for closeness and reassurance from a partner. You might feel uneasy when they spend time with friends, worry when they're late or need to hear "I love you" before you can relax.
That can put strain on both of you. The anxious partner feels scared and alone. The other partner may feel smothered, confused or helpless. Neither person is the villain. You're both caught in a pattern.
Separation anxiety overlaps with anxious attachment, but they aren't the same thing. Our post on anxious attachment explains what that pattern feels like from the inside and the outside. If worry about your relationship itself is the main issue, our post on relationship anxiety may also help.
What can cause adult separation anxiety disorder
There's rarely one single cause. Things that may play a part include:
Childhood experiences. Separation anxiety as a child, or early experiences of loss or instability.
Loss or trauma. A death, sudden separation, illness or frightening event involving someone close.
Big life changes. A move, a new baby, a breakup, a child leaving home or a partner starting a new job.
Other anxiety. Separation anxiety often comes alongside other kinds of anxiety, panic or low mood.
Attachment patterns. Long-standing ways of relating to the people we depend on.
Understanding your own story can help you feel less confused by your reactions. It's not about blame. It's about making sense of why separation feels so threatening for you.
Separation anxiety or something else?
Separation fears can overlap with other experiences. Some people mostly worry about many areas of life, not just loved ones. Others have panic attacks that make being alone feel unsafe. For some, the fear started after a loss and is tangled up with grief. Each of these can look similar from the outside.
You don't need to figure out the label before reaching out. A therapist can help you understand what's going on, and a psychologist can provide a formal assessment if you want one. What matters most is finding support that fits your experience.
How therapy helps
Therapy for separation anxiety in adults often draws on the same approaches used for other kinds of anxiety. Treatment is shaped around you, but may include:
Understanding the cycle. Noticing what triggers worry, what your mind predicts and what you do to feel safe.
Working with anxious thoughts. Learning to question worst-case predictions and respond to them differently.
Building tolerance for time apart. Practising small separations in planned, manageable steps.
Reducing reassurance-seeking. Gradually cutting back on checking and constant contact.
Exploring the roots. Looking at past experiences and attachment patterns that may be feeding the fear.
Self-soothing skills. Ways to calm your body and mind when anxiety spikes.
Cognitive behavioural therapy for separation anxiety
Cognitive behavioural therapy for separation anxiety is one of the most common approaches. The NHS lists CBT as a recommended treatment for many mental health problems, including anxiety.
CBT for separation anxiety focuses on the link between thoughts, feelings and actions. You and your therapist might track when worry spikes, notice predictions like "if they don't answer, something terrible has happened" and test those thoughts gently. You'll also practise time apart in small steps, so your brain can learn that separation is survivable and that the people you love usually come back.
CBT is practical and collaborative. You're always part of deciding what to try next, and your therapist will go at a pace that feels challenging but doable.
Separation anxiety adults treatment, alone or together
Many people start separation anxiety adults treatment in individual therapy. That gives you space to understand your fears without worrying about how your partner will react.
If separation anxiety is affecting your relationship, sessions for couples can also help. Working together, you and your partner can understand the pattern, find kinder ways to respond and build trust that doesn't depend on constant contact. Some people do both, at the same time or one after the other.
If you're the partner
Loving someone with separation anxiety can be hard. You may feel torn between wanting to reassure them and feeling worn out by constant check-ins. It's okay to have both feelings.
A few things can help. Stay calm and kind, without promising things you can't control. Try to be predictable, such as saying when you'll be home or when you'll be out of reach. And look after your own needs too. Encouraging your partner to get support, or joining them in a session, can take pressure off you both.
Getting started
When you book, tell our admin team you're looking for help with separation anxiety, and whether you'd prefer individual or couples sessions. They'll match you with a therapist who's a good fit. We offer sessions in person at our offices in Waterloo, Kitchener, Cambridge and Ottawa, and online anywhere in Ontario.
Cost and billing
Here's what to know about cost:
Individual sessions with our therapists range from $130 to $200, and couples sessions from $170 to $200, depending on the clinician.
Depending on your plan, insurance may cover some or all of the cost. Coverage varies, so it's worth checking your plan.
We accept Health Spending Accounts (HSAs).
We can direct bill many insurers, including for sessions with a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying). Desjardins is the exception: through TELUS eClaims, we can direct bill Desjardins for sessions with an RSW, RP or psychologist, but not for an RP (Qualifying).
Your first step
Book a free 15-minute consultation with our admin team. Tell them you're looking for help with separation anxiety, and they'll help you find a therapist who fits your needs.
If you're in crisis: if you're having thoughts of suicide or self-harm, or anyone is in danger, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night, or call 911. You can find more options on our crisis lines page.
You can love people deeply without living in fear of losing them.