Something hurts, and before you've even finished the thought, you say to yourself, "I'm probably overreacting." Or, "It wasn't that bad." Or, "Other people have it worse, so I shouldn't feel this way." If this sounds familiar, you may be doing what people online call self-gaslighting. It means talking yourself out of your own feelings or memories. It is a common habit, and it often starts for good reasons. With practice, you can learn to listen to yourself again.
This post is general information, not medical advice or a diagnosis.
What is self-gaslighting?
Self-gaslighting is a popular term, not a clinical one. It describes the habit of doubting or dismissing your own feelings, needs or memories. Instead of noticing a feeling and asking what it means, you push it away or tell yourself it is wrong.
Researchers use a related idea called self-invalidation. One team built a scale to measure self-invalidation due to emotion, which means judging yourself negatively because of your feelings (Schreiber and Veilleux, 2022, see Sources). In their studies, people who judged themselves more harshly for having strong feelings also tended to have more trouble managing emotions. In one group, it was also linked with more distress.
That research measures self-invalidation, not "self-gaslighting" as people use the term online. But the two ideas overlap a lot.
Examples of self-gaslighting
Self-gaslighting often sounds like:
"I'm too sensitive."
"I'm just being dramatic."
"Maybe I'm remembering it wrong."
"It's not a big deal. I should be over it by now."
"They didn't mean it, so I shouldn't feel hurt."
"Other people have real problems."
"I'm probably the problem."
You might also notice it in what you do. You may brush off compliments, apologize for having needs or stay quiet because you have already decided your feelings don't count.
Why people talk themselves out of their feelings
There are many reasons people learn this habit. Often it once helped them cope.
Growing up with feelings dismissed. If you were told "stop crying" or "you're fine" when you were upset, you may have learned that feelings are not safe or welcome. Some people grew up in homes where emotional needs were often missed. That is sometimes called childhood emotional neglect.
Wanting to keep the peace. Dismissing your own feelings can feel easier than risking conflict.
Fear of being "too much." Some people worry that their needs will push others away.
High standards. If you expect yourself to always be calm and capable, normal feelings can seem like a failure.
Thinking habits. Patterns like "should" statements or discounting the positive can feed self-doubt. Our post on cognitive distortions explains these patterns.
None of this is a personal flaw. It is a pattern you learned, and patterns can change.
Self-gaslighting after a hurtful relationship
Sometimes self-doubt grows after a relationship where your feelings or memories were often questioned. Over time, you may have started to question yourself before anyone else could.
This post does not try to label anyone. The focus here is on you, and on rebuilding trust in your own mind. If you are in a relationship where you fear for your safety, call 911.
Healing can take time. It often starts with noticing the moments when you dismiss yourself and getting curious about them.
Healthy self-reflection vs self-gaslighting
Not all self-questioning is harmful. It's healthy to ask yourself whether you misunderstood something or whether you played a part in a problem. The difference is in how you do it.
Healthy self-reflection is curious and kind. It asks, "What happened? What do I feel? What do I need?" It leaves room for your feelings to be real, even when you also see the other side.
Self-gaslighting is quick and dismissive. It skips over the feeling and decides it doesn't count. It often leaves you feeling smaller, more confused or more alone.
A helpful check is to ask: "Am I trying to understand this, or trying to make the feeling go away?"
How to stop self-gaslighting
You can't stop an old habit overnight, but small steps add up.
Catch the phrase. Notice the words you use, like "I'm overreacting" or "it's not a big deal." Simply noticing them is a big step.
Name the feeling. Try saying, "I feel hurt," or "I feel angry." Feelings don't need to be justified to be real.
Ask what you would tell a friend. If a friend told you this story, would you call them dramatic? Try giving yourself the same kindness.
Write down what happened. Writing things down soon after they happen can help you trust your own memory.
Check the facts kindly. If you are unsure, look at what you know for sure, without judging yourself.
Practise self-compassion. Self-compassion means treating yourself with the warmth you would give someone you love. Our post on self-compassion has simple ways to start.
Let go of old blame. If you feel stuck in guilt, our post on how to forgive yourself may help.
There is research behind the self-compassion step. A review of 14 studies found that people with more self-compassion tended to have fewer mental health symptoms, and the link was large (MacBeth and Gumley, 2012, see Sources). These studies show a link, not proof that self-compassion causes better mental health. Still, it is a gentle and useful place to start.
When to get support
It may help to talk to someone if:
You often doubt your own feelings or memories
You feel confused, anxious or low much of the time
You find it very hard to name what you need
Self-doubt is affecting your work, friendships or relationships
Old experiences still feel heavy or painful
If you are thinking about suicide or hurting yourself, call or text 9-8-8 now. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 911.
How counselling can help
Your feelings deserve to be heard, starting with you. In individual counselling, a therapist can help you notice self-gaslighting, understand where it started and build a kinder inner voice. Trauma-informed support can help if past experiences still shape how you see yourself. Counselling can also help with self-esteem, so your needs and feelings start to feel worth listening to.
We offer counselling at our Kitchener-Waterloo, Cambridge and Ottawa offices and online across Ontario.
Common questions about self-gaslighting
What is self-gaslighting? It is a popular term for doubting or dismissing your own feelings, needs or memories. Researchers study a close idea called self-invalidation.
What are examples of self-gaslighting? Telling yourself "I'm too sensitive," "it wasn't that bad" or "I'm remembering it wrong" are common examples.
Why do I invalidate my own feelings? It often starts as a way to cope, such as when feelings were dismissed growing up or when keeping the peace felt safer.
How do I stop self-gaslighting? Notice the phrases you use, name the feeling, ask what you would tell a friend and practise self-compassion.
Is self-gaslighting the same as self-reflection? No. Self-reflection is curious and kind. Self-gaslighting dismisses a feeling before you have a chance to understand it.
Cost, billing and your first step
Sessions with our therapists range from $130 to $200, depending on the clinician.
We accept Health Spending Accounts (HSAs).
We can direct bill many insurers. Coverage depends on your plan, so check with your insurer before you start.
Book a free 15-minute consultation with our admin team. Your feelings deserve to be heard, starting with you.
If you're in crisis: if you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 911. If you're thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night.
Last reviewed: October 2026
Sources
Schreiber RE, Veilleux JC. "The Self-Invalidation Due to Emotion Scale: Development and psychometric properties." Psychol Assess. 2022;34(10):937-951. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36174177/
MacBeth A, Gumley A. "Exploring compassion: a meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology." Clin Psychol Rev. 2012;32(6):545-552. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22796446/