You'd never call a friend stupid for making a mistake. You wouldn't tell them they're a failure because they had a hard week. But when it's you, the voice in your head can be ruthless. Maybe you worry that if you stopped being hard on yourself, you'd stop trying altogether. Self-compassion offers another way: being kind to yourself when things go wrong, while still caring about doing better.
This post is general information, not a diagnosis or medical advice. Only a qualified professional can assess what you're experiencing.
Self-compassion, the short answer
Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you'd offer a good friend who's struggling. When you make a mistake, face a setback or feel pain, you respond with warmth instead of harsh judgment.
It has a few simple parts:
Kindness. Speaking to yourself gently, especially in hard moments.
Common humanity. Remembering that everyone struggles and makes mistakes. You're not alone.
Mindful awareness. Noticing painful feelings without ignoring them or getting swept away.
Self-compassion doesn't mean pretending everything's fine. It means acknowledging that something is hard and giving yourself support, so you can learn, recover and keep going.
What self-compassion is not
Many people resist self-compassion because of a few common myths. It helps to clear them up.
It isn't self-pity. Self-pity tends to focus on "poor me" and feeling isolated. Self-compassion reminds you that struggle is part of being human.
It isn't making excuses. You can still take responsibility for your actions. In fact, it's easier to own a mistake when you're not afraid of tearing yourself apart.
It isn't lowering your standards. You can care deeply about doing well and still be kind to yourself when you fall short.
It isn't forced positivity. You don't have to pretend you're happy. Self-compassion makes room for sadness, frustration and disappointment.
Think of a good coach. They don't scream insults at a player who misses a shot, and they don't pretend the miss didn't happen. They say, "That one didn't land. Let's look at what happened and try again." That's self-compassion in action.
Self-compassion vs self-esteem
Self-esteem and self-compassion are related, but they work differently.
Self-esteem is about how you evaluate yourself, often based on success, approval or comparing yourself to others. It can rise when things go well and drop when they don't. That can make it feel fragile, especially during setbacks.
Self-compassion doesn't depend on doing well or being better than others. It's there when you succeed and especially when you fall short. Instead of asking "Am I good enough?" it asks "What do I need right now?"
Both matter. Healthy self-esteem helps you feel capable. Self-compassion helps you stay steady when life doesn't go to plan. If low self-esteem is part of what you're dealing with, self-esteem counselling can help you build it.
Meeting your inner critic
Most of us have an inner critic, the voice that points out every flaw and mistake. It might sound like a parent, a teacher or a past partner. Or it might just sound like you on a bad day.
The inner critic often develops for a reason. It may have formed to help you avoid criticism, rejection or failure. In its own way, it's trying to protect you, even if its methods are harsh.
Arguing with the inner critic rarely works. Instead, try:
Noticing it. "There's my critic again."
Naming its job. "It's trying to keep me from being embarrassed."
Thanking it, then choosing differently. "Thanks for trying to help. I'm going to try a kinder approach."
Answering with care. Ask what a supportive friend would say instead.
It can also help to notice when the critic is loudest. For many people, it shows up after mistakes, before big events, when comparing themselves to others or late at night when they're tired. Knowing your critic's favourite moments lets you prepare a kinder response ahead of time.
Over time, the critic may not disappear, but it can get quieter, and you can choose not to follow its lead. Constant self-criticism can wear you down. Responding with kindness is a skill you can build.
Small practices for hard moments
You don't need hours of practice to start. These small steps can help when things feel hard:
A kind phrase. Try saying, "This is hard right now. Lots of people feel this way. May I be kind to myself."
The friend test. Ask, "What would I say to a friend in this situation?" Then say it to yourself.
A short letter. Write a few lines to yourself as if from a caring friend who knows your struggles and still cares about you.
A calming touch. Place a hand on your chest or arm and take a few slow breaths. A simple, warm gesture can help your body settle.
Name the feeling. Say what you're feeling, such as "disappointed" or "embarrassed," without adding judgment.
There's no score and no right way to do this. If a practice feels awkward at first, that's normal. Many people find self-compassion feels strange before it feels natural.
Research suggests these practices can help. In a meta-analysis, Areum Han and Tae Hui Kim found that self-compassion interventions reduced depressive symptoms, anxiety and stress. A review by Sarah Egan and colleagues found that lower self-compassion is linked with more anxiety and depression in young people, and that building self-compassion may be a helpful part of prevention and treatment.
For some people, self-criticism is so strong that small practices alone don't seem to touch it. That's when extra support can help.
When self-criticism runs deeper
Sometimes harsh self-talk is tied to something deeper, such as:
Shame. A deep sense of being flawed or not good enough.
Perfectionism. Feeling that anything less than perfect is failure. Our post on how to overcome perfectionism explores this further.
Low mood or depression. The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) notes that psychotherapy is a recognized treatment for depression.
Past trauma. Old experiences can leave a critical inner voice that feels impossible to quiet.
Therapy can help you understand where your inner critic comes from and gradually build a kinder relationship with yourself. A therapist can guide you through self-compassion practices, help you work through shame and support you as new habits take hold. Our self-esteem counselling helps people build a steadier, more caring sense of self.
You can see us in Kitchener, Waterloo, Cambridge or Ottawa, or by secure video from anywhere in Ontario, and every location offers every service.
Cost, billing and your first step
Sessions with our therapists range from $130 to $200, depending on the clinician.
We accept Health Spending Accounts (HSAs).
We can direct bill many insurers, including for sessions with an RP (Qualifying). Desjardins is the exception: through TELUS eClaims, we can direct bill Desjardins for sessions with an RSW, RP or psychologist, but not for an RP (Qualifying).
Coverage depends on your plan, so check with your insurer before you start.
Book a free 15-minute consultation with our admin team, and they'll help you find a therapist who's a good fit.
If you're in crisis: if you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 911. If you're thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night.
Being kind to yourself isn't weakness. It's what helps you get back up, learn and keep going.
Last reviewed: October 2026
Sources
Han A, Kim TH. Effects of self-compassion interventions on reducing depressive symptoms, anxiety, and stress: a meta-analysis. Mindfulness, 2023
Egan SJ, Rees CS, et al. A review of self-compassion as an active ingredient in the prevention and treatment of anxiety and depression in young people. Administration and Policy in Mental Health, 2021
Depression, Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH)