You pull someone close, feel a flicker of safety, then push them away before they can leave. Or you are the person on the other side, confused by the sudden distance after a good week. This page explains why that push-pull pattern can show up for people with borderline personality disorder, without diagnosing anyone and without blaming either person in the relationship.
People with BPD are not trying to ruin relationships for sport. The push often comes from fear, pain and a nervous system that moves fast. Understanding the pattern can make room for steadier responses, for both people, even when feelings on both sides are still intense.
Pushing people away, from the inside
From the inside, the push can feel like self-protection. Closeness feels good, then scary. The mind jumps ahead to rejection, and leaving first seems safer than being left. Shame can also show up: "If they really knew me, they would go."
NIMH describes borderline personality disorder as a condition that severely impacts a person's ability to regulate emotions. That loss of emotional control can increase impulsivity, affect how a person feels about themselves, and hurt relationships.
CAMH describes BPD as a serious, long-lasting and complex mental health problem. People with BPD can have difficulty handling emotions or impulses, and can react with intense feelings to small changes around them. CAMH also notes that people with BPD have been described as living with constant emotional pain, and that symptoms can be efforts to cope with that pain.
This page is educational. Only a qualified professional can assess whether BPD fits. Psychologists diagnose. Our Nurse Practitioners can assess and diagnose too.
Fear of abandonment and the "leave before you are left" pattern
Fear of abandonment is a core theme many people search for when they look up BPD and relationships. The fear does not need a dramatic betrayal to fire. A delayed text, a short tone, or a cancelled plan can feel like the beginning of the end.
When the alarm is that loud, pushing away can feel like taking control. "I'll end it first." "I'll start a fight so I know where I stand." "I'll go silent so I cannot be hurt." The short-term relief is real. The longer cost is loneliness and a partner who no longer knows what is safe to say or do.
Many people with this pattern also hold deep loyalty and care. The push and the longing for closeness can live in the same person on the same day. That contradiction is confusing from the outside and painful from the inside.
None of this means the fear is silly. It means the fear is running the steering wheel.
Big emotions and fast shifts
Emotional intensity is part of the picture NIMH and CAMH describe. Feelings can rise fast and fall fast. A person can feel deeply connected in the morning and convinced the relationship is doomed by night.
People sometimes call black-and-white thinking "splitting." In plain words, it is the mind sorting people or moments into all-good or all-bad when feelings are overwhelming. It is not a moral failure. It is a way a stressed mind tries to create certainty. The repair work is learning to hold mixed truths: "I'm angry and I still care," or "This hurt and we can talk."
Validation helps. Hearing "I get that you are scared" often lands better than "You are overreacting." Validation is not agreement with every conclusion. It is recognition of the feeling.
Impulsive words or actions can follow the spike. Apologies may come later, sincere and exhausted. Both the spike and the repair are part of the pattern to understand.
Why it hurts both people
For the person with BPD traits or a BPD diagnosis, the cycle can feel like being trapped inside a storm they did not choose. They may hate the push as much as their partner does.
For the loved one, the cycle can feel like walking on eggshells, then being shut out, then being pulled close again. Trust frays. Resentment grows. Both people can end up lonely in the same house, wondering what happened to all of the good days.
Naming the pattern together, when both of you are calm, helps more than arguing during a spike. "When I get scared you will leave, I push. When you get pushed, you pull back, which scares me more." That sentence is a starting map, not a cure.
What can help in the moment
Skills that slow the body help before big decisions. Our live guide to DBT skills like TIPP and opposite action walks through practical tools. In the moment, try:
Pause before sending the message that ends things
Name the emotion out loud: "I am scared," not "You never care"
Delay the breakup talk for 24 hours when possible
Use cold water, paced breathing or a short walk to bring the body down
Text a support person instead of detonating the relationship
Opposite action, in plain words, means doing the opposite of the urge when the urge would make things worse. If the urge is to push away, a small opposite move might be staying for one more kind sentence.
Skills take practice. They work better when learned outside the crisis, then used when the wave hits. Therapy is one place to practise with coaching.
If someone you love pushes you away
You cannot regulate another person's emotions for them. You can stay steady.
Keep limits clear and kind: "I will not stay in a shouting match. I will come back to this at 7."
Do not chase endlessly, and do not punish with silence for days
Believe that fear can be real even when the trigger looks small
Ask what helps during a calm moment, not during a spike
Protect your own sleep, friendships and counselling if you need it
You are allowed to leave a relationship that is unsafe. Intensity is not the same as abuse. If you are being threatened, controlled or hurt, that is a safety problem. Call 911 if you are in danger.
Loved ones also need recovery time after hard cycles. A walk, a meal, sleep and one supportive conversation can help you stay human while you decide what you can offer.
How therapy can help
Therapy can help people build emotion regulation, tolerate uncertainty in relationships, and practise new ways of staying connected without self-erasing. Change is usually gradual. Expect practice, not overnight personality change.
NIMH's page on caring for your mental health also lists everyday supports that help under stress, such as sleep, movement, connection and challenging harsh thoughts. Those basics do not replace therapy for BPD, and they can make hard weeks a bit more survivable day to day. Dialectical behaviour therapy, or DBT, is one approach often used. Our dialectical behaviour therapy page explains how we offer it. For myths and a broader treatment overview, see our post on BPD myths and treatment.
A free 15-minute consultation lets you ask about options without committing. Individual sessions with our therapists are $130 to $200, and there is a one-time $50 setup fee for new clients, which is not charged for the free consultation. Depending on your plan, your insurance may cover the full session fee. We offer online sessions across Ontario, and offices in Waterloo, Kitchener, Cambridge and Ottawa.
If you are taking medication or wondering about it, raise it with your prescriber or ask about our Nurse Practitioners, and do not stop anything on your own.
If you are in crisis
If you are thinking about suicide or self-harm, call or text 9-8-8 any time. In Waterloo Region, Here 24/7 is 1-844-437-3247. If you are in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department.