Maybe it has been months since you and your partner were intimate. Maybe it has been years. You might feel lonely, rejected, relieved, guilty or all of these at once. A sexless marriage is more common than most people think, and it is rarely about one person being "the problem." This post looks at why it happens, how it can affect each partner, and what can help you reconnect if you both want to.
This post is general information, not a diagnosis or medical advice. Every couple is different, and a therapist can help you understand what is going on in yours.
What is a sexless marriage
There is no single official definition. People often use the term when a couple has very little or no sex over a long stretch of time. Online, you may also see the phrase "dead bedroom."
The number matters less than how you both feel about it. Some couples have little sex and are content. For others, the gap brings hurt, distance and conflict. If one or both of you are unhappy, it's worth paying attention, whatever the number is.
A sexless marriage also isn't only about sex. It often touches feelings of being wanted, close and seen.
Why sex fades in long relationships
There is usually more than one reason. Common ones include:
Stress and fatigue. Work, money and caregiving can leave little energy for closeness.
New babies and young kids. Life changes fast, and sleep is short.
Unresolved conflict. It's hard to feel close to someone you're quietly angry with.
Different levels of desire. One partner wants sex more often than the other.
Routine. Sex can start to feel like one more task on the list.
Pain, health or body image worries. These can make sex feel stressful.
Avoidance. After a few awkward or hurtful moments, both partners may stop trying.
Often these reasons stack up. A tired couple with a new baby and a few old arguments can drift apart without either person choosing it.
New parents often notice a change. A 2020 Canadian study by Schwenck and colleagues compared first-time parents with other couples. New parents reported lower desire and lower sexual satisfaction in the first year after birth, and these differences became smaller by 12 months. So a dip after a baby is common, and it often eases.
Desire differences and the pursue and withdraw cycle
Many couples get stuck in a loop. One partner asks for sex and feels turned down. The other feels pressure and pulls back. The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws. Soon, even a hug can feel loaded.
Both sides hurt. The partner who wants more may feel unwanted or unloved. The partner who wants less may feel guilty, pressured or broken. Neither is wrong for having the level of desire they have.
Our post on desire discrepancy in relationships explains why different levels of desire are so common and how couples can talk about them without blame.
How a sexless marriage can affect each partner
People search for the sexless marriage effect on a wife or on a husband. In truth, the effects depend more on the person than on gender. Some common feelings:
Loneliness, even when you're in the same room
Feeling rejected or not attractive
Guilt or shame about not wanting sex
Resentment that builds over time
Worry that the relationship is ending
Less touch overall, like fewer hugs or kisses
These feelings make sense. Naming them, out loud and to each other, is often the first step toward change.
Can you fix a sexless marriage
Many couples do find their way back to a closer connection. It usually takes time, honesty and a willingness from both partners. "Fixing" may not mean going back to how things were early on. It may mean finding a new kind of closeness that works for you both.
Talking matters a lot. A 2022 review by Mallory pulled together 93 studies. It found that couples who communicate about sex tend to report higher relationship and sexual satisfaction. The quality of those talks mattered more than how often they happened.
It's also important to be clear about one thing. Sex is never owed in a marriage. Pressure, guilt-tripping or coercion is not okay. If you're ever forced or threatened, call 911.
When only one of you is ready to work on it
Sometimes one partner is eager to talk and the other would rather avoid the topic. That's common, and it doesn't mean the marriage is doomed.
If you're the one who wants change, try to lead with warmth, not pressure. Share how you feel and ask one open question, like, "What makes this hard to talk about for you?" Then listen. Give your partner time to think.
If you're the one who wants sex less, your feelings count too. You can say, "I want to feel close to you, and I also feel pressure. Can we go slower?" That honesty helps more than silence.
You can also start counselling on your own. Many people find that working through their own feelings first makes the couple talk easier later.
Steps to try together at home
These ideas are gentle starting points. Go slowly and check in with each other.
Pick a calm time to talk. Not in bed, and not right after a turn-down.
Start with feelings, not blame. Try, "I miss feeling close to you," rather than, "You never want me."
Bring back touch without pressure. Agree that hugs, holding hands or cuddles don't have to lead to sex.
Make time for each other. A short walk or a meal without phones can help rebuild warmth.
Talk about what you each like. Keep it curious and kind.
Share the load. If one partner is exhausted, help with chores and kids can matter more than you'd think.
If talks keep turning into fights, that's a sign some outside support may help.
If you are thinking about suicide or hurting yourself, call or text 9-8-8 now. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 911.
How sex therapy and couples counselling can help
A therapist gives you a safe, private space to talk about sex without shame. Many people feel nervous at first. That's normal. In sex therapy, sessions are talk only. There is no touching and nothing physical happens in the room.
Sex therapy for couples can help you:
Understand what is behind the change
Break the pursue and withdraw cycle
Talk about desire in a way that feels safe
Rebuild touch and closeness at your own pace
Work through hurt or resentment
You can come as a couple or start on your own. If you want to know what sessions look like, read our post on what happens in sex therapy. For online couples sessions, both partners need to be in Ontario, and you can join from different places.
You can see us in Kitchener, Waterloo, Cambridge or Ottawa, or by secure video from anywhere in Ontario.
Cost, billing and your first step
We accept Health Spending Accounts (HSAs).
We can direct bill many insurers. Coverage depends on your plan, so check with your insurer before you start.
Book a free 15-minute consultation with our admin team. Let them know a sexless marriage is what's bringing you in, and they'll help you find a good fit.
If you're in crisis: if you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 911. If you're thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night.
Last reviewed: October 2026
Sources
Dimensions of couples' sexual communication, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction: A meta-analysis, Mallory, Journal of Family Psychology, 2022
A comparison of the sexual well-being of new parents with community couples, Schwenck, Dawson, Muise and Rosen, Journal of Sexual Medicine, 2020