One of you would like more closeness more often. The other feels pressure every time the topic comes up. Over time, bedtime gets tense, hugs start to feel loaded and both of you end up feeling rejected or misunderstood. If this sounds familiar, you are dealing with something many couples face: desire discrepancy in relationships. This post explains what it is, why it is so common, how to talk about it without blame and what couples can do together.
This post is general information, not a diagnosis or medical advice.
What desire discrepancy means
Desire discrepancy simply means that two partners want sex at different frequencies, or in different ways, at a given time. Researchers describe it as one of the main reasons couples look for therapy. It is not a disorder on its own, and it doesn't mean either person is broken.
A review of the psychological side of sexual concerns notes that there is little agreement about what counts as "normal" desire. Desire naturally rises and falls across a lifetime and even across a single month. Stress, sleep, health, parenting, grief, low mood and how connected you feel to each other can all play a part.
In other words, a gap in desire is usually something that happens between two people, not something one person "has."
Why mismatched libido hurts so much
A mismatched libido rarely feels like a neutral difference. It tends to touch some of our most tender feelings:
The partner who wants more often may feel unwanted, unattractive or lonely
The partner who wants less often may feel pressured, guilty or like a disappointment
Both may start avoiding affection so it isn't "misread"
Small moments of rejection can pile up into resentment
Each person may quietly believe the other one is the problem
A study of couples in longer relationships found that bigger gaps in desire were linked with lower satisfaction, and the authors suggested moving away from focusing on the one partner with lower desire and paying attention to how the couple interacts instead. That shift, from "your problem" to "our pattern," is often where change begins.
Desire discrepancy in marriage and long-term partnerships
Desire discrepancy in marriage and other long-term partnerships often shows up after big life changes, such as a new baby, a demanding job, an illness, a move or a loss. Early in a relationship, novelty can carry desire along. Later, life gets busy and desire often needs more intention and safety to show up.
This doesn't mean the relationship is failing. It means the conditions have changed, and the two of you may need new ways to stay close.
Low desire in a relationship, what may be going on
When one partner has low desire in a relationship, it helps to stay curious rather than critical. Some common contributors include:
Stress, exhaustion or a mental load that never switches off
Unresolved conflict or hurt that hasn't been talked through
Feeling more like roommates or co-parents than partners
Low mood or anxiety
Body image worries or past painful experiences
Pressure itself, which can make desire shrink further
None of this is a diagnosis. It's a list of possibilities to explore together, ideally with patience and without blame.
How to talk about sexual desire discrepancy
Talking about sexual desire discrepancy can feel awkward, but silence usually makes it worse. A few guidelines can help the conversation feel safer:
Pick a calm moment. Avoid raising it right after a rejection or in the bedroom.
Start with care. Try "I miss feeling close to you" rather than "We never have sex."
Speak for yourself. Share what you feel and need, not what your partner is doing wrong.
Listen to understand. Ask what closeness, pressure and desire feel like for your partner.
Keep it short. Several gentle conversations often work better than one long, heavy one.
A simple script you could adapt: "I love you and I want us both to feel good about this part of our relationship. Can we talk about how we each feel about closeness lately, without trying to solve it tonight?"
Desire discrepancy solutions couples try
There's no single fix, but research and clinical experience point to a few helpful directions. A study of 229 people in long-term relationships found that strategies done together, like talking about it or doing something connecting as a couple, were linked with higher sexual and relationship satisfaction than strategies done alone. People who felt their strategies were very helpful were also more satisfied overall.
Desire discrepancy solutions couples often explore include:
Widening what counts as closeness. Affection, cuddling and time together without any expectation can rebuild safety.
Planning time to connect. It may sound unromantic, but protected time can take pressure off spontaneity.
Reducing pressure. Agreeing that affection doesn't have to lead anywhere often makes it easier to enjoy.
Tending to the friendship. Fun, play and shared interests feed connection outside the bedroom.
Repairing old hurts. Talking through resentment or past conflict can free up warmth again.
What works will look different for every couple. The aim isn't for one person to give in. It's to find a shared rhythm you both feel good about.
Patterns that tend to make things worse
Some well-meant responses can widen the gap:
Keeping score. Counting how long it has been usually adds pressure for one partner and resentment for the other.
Going quiet. Avoiding the topic entirely can leave both of you guessing and hurt.
Comparing. Measuring your relationship against friends, media or past partners rarely helps.
Making it about character. Words like "cold" or "needy" turn a shared challenge into a personal attack.
Noticing these patterns, without judging yourselves for them, is a useful first step.
When counselling can help
If conversations keep turning into arguments or silence, a therapist can help. Counselling gives both of you a structured, respectful space to talk about something that can be hard to put into words. Many people find it easier to be honest when someone neutral is there to slow things down. If you're wondering what sessions are actually like, our guide to what happens in sex therapy explains what to expect.
A therapist can help you:
Understand the pattern between you, rather than blaming one person
Talk about desire, pressure and rejection without shame
Explore what is affecting desire for each of you
Rebuild emotional and physical closeness at a pace that feels safe
Learn more about our sex therapy and couples counselling. We work with couples of all genders and orientations, and our LGBTQ+ counselling is affirming and inclusive.
Coming to therapy alone or together
You don't need both partners on board to start. Some people come alone first to understand their own feelings about desire, then invite their partner later. Others come together from the beginning. Either way is valid.
We offer sessions in person in Kitchener-Waterloo, Cambridge and Ottawa, and online across Ontario, which many couples find easier to fit around work and family life. For online couples sessions, both partners need to be in Ontario.
Getting started
Insurance may cover some or all of your sessions, depending on your plan, so check your plan.
We accept Health Spending Accounts (HSAs).
We can direct bill many insurers, including for sessions with an RP (Qualifying). Desjardins is the exception: through TELUS eClaims, we can direct bill Desjardins for sessions with an RSW, RP or psychologist, but not for an RP (Qualifying).
Book a free 15-minute consultation with our admin team to talk about whether individual or couples sessions would suit you best.
If you're in crisis: if you or anyone else is in immediate danger, call 911. If you're having thoughts of suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time.
A gap in desire doesn't have to become a gap between you. With patience and support, many couples find their way back to closeness.
Last reviewed: October 2026
Sources
Vowels LM, Mark KP. Strategies for Mitigating Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Relationships, Archives of Sexual Behavior, 2020
Mark KP, Murray SH. Gender differences in desire discrepancy as a predictor of sexual and relationship satisfaction in a college sample of heterosexual romantic relationships. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 2012 (PubMed ID 22390532)
Assalian P. Psychological and interpersonal dimensions of sexual function and dysfunction, Arab Journal of Urology, 2013
Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, Depression