It's hard to watch someone you love put themselves down. They brush off every compliment, apologize for things that aren't their fault, or call themselves stupid when they make a small mistake. You want them to see what you see, but nothing you say seems to stick. If you've been wondering how to support someone with low self esteem, this guide is for you. It covers what low self-esteem can look like, what to say and avoid, how to support a partner, and how to look after yourself along the way.
This post is general information for supporters. It isn't a diagnosis or a replacement for professional help.
What low self-esteem can look like from the outside
Self-esteem is how we value and see ourselves. The UK mental health charity Mind explains that it can affect whether a person likes and values themselves, can assert themselves, recognizes their strengths, feels able to try new things and can move past mistakes without unfairly blaming themselves.
From the outside, low self-esteem might look like:
harsh self-criticism, even as a joke
apologizing often, or for things that aren't their fault
trouble accepting compliments
needing lots of reassurance
avoiding new challenges or chances out of fear of failing
putting everyone else's needs first
struggling to make decisions or speak up
Low self-esteem isn't a flaw in someone's character. It often grows out of past experiences, such as bullying, criticism, loss or hard times, and it can feel very real and very stuck.
Why compliments don't always land
You tell them they look great, or that they did a wonderful job, and they wave it away. It can feel like they're rejecting you. Usually, they're not.
When someone believes deep down that they're not good enough, a compliment can clash with that belief. Their mind may find reasons to dismiss it: "You're just being nice," or "You have to say that." This doesn't mean your words don't matter. It means change takes time and repetition.
If they want to work on this themselves, our post on how to build self esteem has ideas they can try on their own. This guide stays focused on you, the supporter.
What to say to someone with low self esteem, and what to avoid
Wondering what to say to someone with low self esteem? Specific, sincere words tend to work better than big, general praise.
Try:
"I noticed how patient you were with your nephew today."
"Thank you for helping me with that. It made a real difference."
"I like spending time with you."
"That sounds really hard. I'm glad you told me."
Try to avoid:
"You're being ridiculous."
"Just love yourself more."
"Everyone feels like that, get over it."
"Stop putting yourself down" said in frustration
The goal isn't to find perfect words. It's to show you see them, and that they matter to you.
Listening without arguing them out of it
When someone says, "I'm useless," it's natural to jump in with, "No, you're not!" But arguing can make them dig in, or feel unheard.
Instead, try listening first. You might say, "It sounds like you're being really hard on yourself right now," or "What happened that's making you feel this way?" You don't have to agree with what they believe about themselves. You're just making space for the feeling before offering another view.
Over time, feeling heard can be more powerful than being corrected.
How to help someone with low self esteem take small steps
Wondering how to help someone with low self esteem build confidence? Encourage small steps, without taking over.
You might gently encourage them to try something new, share an opinion, or say no to something they don't want to do. Notice and acknowledge the effort, not just the result. If they're nervous, offer to come along or talk it through beforehand.
Try not to fix everything for them. Taking over can send the message that you don't believe they can handle it. Supporting them to do it themselves builds more confidence in the long run.
How to support a friend with low self esteem
If you're figuring out how to support a friend with low self esteem, consistency matters. Keep inviting them, even if they sometimes say no. Remind them of good times you've shared. Celebrate their wins, big and small. And let them know you're glad they're in your life.
How to support a partner with low self esteem
Low self-esteem can show up in relationships in particular ways. A partner might need frequent reassurance that you love them, feel jealous or insecure, struggle to believe you're attracted to them, or withdraw when they feel they've disappointed you.
How to support a partner with low self esteem:
offer reassurance warmly, but don't feel you have to provide it endlessly
share what you appreciate about them, often and specifically
talk about patterns gently, at a calm moment, not in the middle of an argument
keep your own boundaries, and be honest when something hurts you
If you're wondering how to support husband with low self esteem, or a wife or partner of any gender, the same ideas apply. Some people hide low self-esteem behind irritability, overworking or withdrawal, so it may not look the way you expect.
When these patterns are putting strain on the relationship, couples counselling can give you both a space to understand what's going on and find new ways to support each other.
When it's part of something bigger
Mind notes that low self-esteem isn't a mental health problem in itself, but that self-esteem and mental health can be closely linked. Some signs of low self-esteem, like feeling hopeless or worthless or unfairly blaming yourself, can also be signs of a mental health problem, especially if they last a long time or affect daily life.
If the person you love seems persistently low, anxious, withdrawn or hopeless, it may be more than self-esteem. Gently encouraging them to talk to a professional can be one of the most caring things you do.
If they say things like they're worthless, a burden, or that others would be better off without them, take it seriously. Ask them directly, and calmly, whether they're thinking about suicide. If they are, or if you're worried they're in danger, they can call or text 9-8-8 any time, or call 911 in an emergency.
Looking after yourself as a supporter
Supporting someone with low self-esteem can be tiring, especially when your efforts don't seem to help. It's okay to feel frustrated sometimes. You can't fix how someone feels about themselves, and it isn't your job to try.
Keep up your own friendships, rest and interests. Set limits when you need to, like how many times you'll go over the same reassurance in one evening. Looking after yourself means you can keep showing up with care.
How to support someone with low self worth through counselling
How to support someone with low self worth over the long term often includes encouraging professional support. Counselling can help a person understand where their beliefs about themselves came from, challenge harsh inner criticism and build a kinder, steadier sense of who they are. Approaches like cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) are often used.
We offer counselling for self-esteem at our Kitchener-Waterloo, Cambridge and Ottawa offices, and online anywhere in Ontario. Supporters can also come to counselling for themselves.
Sessions with our therapists range from $130 to $200, depending on the clinician.
Depending on your plan, insurance may cover some or all of the cost. Coverage varies, so check your plan.
We accept Health Spending Accounts (HSAs).
We can direct bill many insurers, including for sessions with a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying). Desjardins is the exception: through TELUS eClaims, we can direct bill Desjardins for sessions with an RSW, RP or psychologist, but not for an RP (Qualifying).
Book a free 15-minute consultation with our admin team. Whether you're booking for yourself or helping someone take the first step, our team can help.
If you're in crisis: if you or anyone else is in immediate danger, call 911. If you're having thoughts of suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night.
Your care matters, even when it doesn't seem to land right away. Patience, honesty and steady kindness can help someone begin to see themselves the way you do.
Last reviewed: October 2026
Sources
Understanding self-esteem (PDF), Mind (UK mental health charity)
Is low self-esteem a risk factor for depression? Findings from a longitudinal study of Mexican-origin youth (Developmental Psychology, 2014), peer-reviewed, via NIH PubMed Central