When someone you care about loses a loved one, it's hard to know how to support someone who is grieving. You might worry about saying the wrong thing, so you say nothing at all. That fear is very common, and it comes from caring. This guide gives you simple words, practical ideas and a way to keep showing up, so your support feels steady and kind.
This article is general information. There's no perfect script, and every person grieves in their own way.
Show up, even without perfect words
Most grieving people will remember who reached out far more than what was said. A short message beats silence. You don't need to fix anything or have wise words. You just need to let them know they're not alone.
Here are a few ways to begin:
Send a simple text: "I heard about your loss. I'm so sorry. No need to reply."
Drop off a card, or leave a short voicemail
Show up at the door with something small, and keep the visit short
If you wait because you feel awkward, the gap can grow. Late is far better than never. You can say, "I'm sorry I didn't reach out sooner. I've been thinking of you."
What to say, and what usually hurts
Grief is personal. CMHA Ontario points out that there is no one way to experience it, and that people can feel shock, sadness, anger, fear, numbness and sometimes even relief. So your words should leave room for whatever the person feels.
Gentle phrases that often work:
"I'm so sorry. I'm here."
"I don't know what to say, but I care about you."
"Do you want to talk, or would you rather just have company?"
"I'm thinking of you today."
Phrases that often hurt, even when meant kindly:
"At least they're not suffering." or "At least you had time together."
"They're in a better place."
"Everything happens for a reason."
"I know exactly how you feel."
"You need to be strong."
These lines try to fix or shrink the loss. Instead, acknowledge the pain: "This is so hard." If you've had a loss yourself, keep the focus on them rather than comparing stories.
Offer specific help, not open-ended offers
"Let me know if you need anything" is kind, but it leaves the person to come up with a request, and grief makes that very hard. A clear, small offer is easier to say yes to.
Try offers like these:
"I'm picking up groceries Thursday. What can I add for you?"
"Can I take the kids to school on Monday?"
"I'll walk the dog this week. Is mornings or evenings better?"
"I'm making dinner on Friday. Would you like it at the door, or would you like company?"
If you're close to the person, you might also offer to help with the tasks that pile up after a death, such as phone calls, forms or thank-you notes, if they'd like that. Offer one choice at a time, and make it easy to say no. If they decline, that's fine. They may need space, and the offer still tells them you care. Our post on gift ideas for someone who is grieving has more ideas for gestures of this kind.
Not every loss comes with a funeral
Grief isn't only about a death. CMHA Ontario notes that people also grieve after losing a job or a relationship, or after a health diagnosis. These losses often get less attention, so the person may feel they have no right to be sad. If someone tells you about a loss like this, take it seriously. You can say, "That's a real loss, and it makes sense that you're hurting."
It's also wise to avoid pushing big decisions. CMHA Ontario suggests thinking about waiting before making major life choices while feelings are intense. If your loved one is considering selling a home or making another large change, you might gently say, "There's no rush. Do you want to talk it through first?"
Keep checking in after the funeral
Support often fades just when the quiet sets in. The flowers die, the calls slow down and everyone else goes back to normal life. For the grieving person, though, life hasn't gone back to normal.
You can help by staying in touch in small, regular ways:
Put a reminder in your calendar to check in every couple of weeks
Send a short message that asks nothing of them, like "Thinking of you tonight"
Remember birthdays, anniversaries and holidays, which can be especially tender
Invite them along to things, even if they often say no
CMHA Ontario also suggests including a grieving person in social activities, even when they decline, so they know they're still part of the community. Grief doesn't follow a schedule, and nobody can tell you when it should end.
Listen more than you fix
Often the best thing you can do is listen. Let them talk, repeat themselves or sit in silence. You don't need to turn their words into advice.
CMHA Ontario notes that many people find sharing thoughts, memories and stories comforting, though people vary in how they express grief. So you can gently invite a memory: "Would you like to tell me about them?" If they'd rather not, that's fine. When it feels natural, use the name of the person who died. Many people find it comforting to hear it said.
A review of grief in the medical literature, published in PMC, says that people in early grief benefit from compassionate support, connection to others and space to move between pain and rest. That space is something you can offer simply by being calm and patient.
When grief seems stuck or mixed with depression
Grief can be heavy and still be a natural response to loss. MedlinePlus notes that grief can bring mental reactions such as anger, guilt, anxiety, sadness and despair, and physical ones such as trouble sleeping or changes in appetite. How long it lasts depends on many things, so we won't put a number on it.
Still, you might gently mention counselling if you notice that your loved one:
Says they feel stuck, hopeless or unable to function
Can't get through basic daily tasks for a long stretch
Seems cut off from everyone
Mentions feeling guilty or blaming themselves in a way that won't ease
Is dealing with a sudden, frightening or traumatic loss
Our post on grief vs depression explains how the two can overlap. Bring it up softly and without pressure: "Some people find it helps to talk with someone trained in grief. If you ever want that, I'd be glad to help you look into it." The choice is theirs.
You can read about our grief counselling, and they or you can book a free 15-minute consultation. Registered Psychotherapists (RPs) and Registered Social Workers (RSWs) provide therapy. Individual sessions are $130 to $200, and student therapists offer sessions for $0 to $80. Depending on your plan, your insurance may cover the full session fee.
Looking after yourself as the supporter
Supporting someone through grief can be draining, especially if you're grieving too. CMHA Ontario encourages people to take care of their own well-being and seek extra help if they need it.
Some ways to keep going:
Be honest about what you can give. A small, steady offer beats a big one you can't keep.
Take breaks without guilt
Keep your own sleep, meals and routines
Talk to someone you trust about how you're feeling
Let yourself feel sad too, since your own feelings matter
You're welcome to book counselling for yourself even if your loved one never does. We see clients in person in Waterloo, Kitchener, Cambridge and Ottawa, and online across Ontario.
If it feels urgent
If your loved one talks about not wanting to live, or you're worried they're not safe, take it seriously. Call or text 9-8-8 any time, or visit 988.ca. In Waterloo Region, Here 24/7 is available at 1-844-437-3247. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department.
Start with a free conversation
You don't have to have the right words to ask for help. Book a free 15-minute consultation to talk about what you or your loved one is facing and what support could look like.