Someone you care about has just trusted you with something important. Maybe your best friend told you they're gay. Maybe your teenager said they're bisexual, or your sibling shared that they're trans. You want to get this right, and you may be worried about saying the wrong thing. This guide covers how to support someone coming out: what to say in the moment, what to avoid, how to protect their privacy, what to do if you're a parent with mixed feelings, and how to keep showing up over time.
This post is general information, not a diagnosis or medical advice.
Why your first response matters
Coming out can take a lot of courage. Many people rehearse it for months or years, and they often choose the people they trust most to tell first. That means your response carries real weight.
Research backs this up. A 2016 review in Pediatric Clinics of North America notes that family support and acceptance are linked with greater self-esteem, more social support and better general health for LGBTQ2S+ young people, along with less depression and fewer suicidal thoughts and behaviours. You don't have to be perfect. You just have to make it clear that your love and respect haven't changed.
What to say when someone comes out to you
You don't need a speech. Simple, warm words go a long way. Here's what to say when someone comes out to you:
"Thank you for telling me." It acknowledges their trust.
"I love you, and that hasn't changed." Or, for a friend, "You're still you, and I'm glad you're in my life."
"How are you feeling about it?" Let them lead.
"Is there anything you need from me?" Some people want to celebrate. Others just want things to feel normal.
"Who else knows?" This helps you understand what's private.
Then listen more than you talk. If they want to share more, they will.
What to avoid saying
Even well-meaning reactions can hurt. Try to avoid:
"Are you sure?" or "It's probably a phase." These suggest you don't believe them.
"I always knew." It can take away from their moment.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" It makes it about you.
Debating, quoting beliefs at them or asking intrusive questions about their sex life.
Turning the focus to your own feelings, especially if they're mixed. There's a place for those, just not here.
If you slip, a quick, sincere "I'm sorry, that came out wrong. I'm here for you" can repair a lot.
Privacy: their story, their timing
Coming out is a process, not a single moment. People often come out to different people at different times, and they get to decide who knows and when.
Never out someone. Don't tell others, even family members or close friends, without their clear permission. Ask directly: "Is it okay if I tell anyone, or would you rather do that yourself?" Respecting their timing protects their safety and shows you can be trusted.
If you are a parent with mixed feelings
If your child came out to you and you feel shocked, worried or sad, you're not a bad parent. Many parents feel a mix of emotions. The 2016 review describes how some researchers have compared parents' reactions to a process of grief, and notes that cultural and religious values can shape how families respond.
If you're thinking, "My child came out, and I don't know what to do next," start small. Learning how to support your child coming out isn't about having every answer on day one. It's about letting them see, again and again, that they're safe with you, even while you're still sorting through your own reactions.
Your feelings are real, and they deserve support. But your child shouldn't have to carry them. A few things can help:
Keep showing love in everyday ways. Hugs, meals together, the usual routines.
Get support for yourself from a trusted friend, partner or counsellor, not from your child.
Learn at your own pace, without asking your child to be your teacher.
Focus on what hasn't changed: who your child is and how much you love them.
Counselling for parents can give you a private space to work through your feelings so you can show up the way you want to.
If someone is in immediate danger, call 911. If you or the person you love are thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time. Our crisis lines page lists both.
Supporting someone coming out as trans or nonbinary
If you're learning how to support someone coming out as trans or nonbinary, names and pronouns are one of the simplest and most powerful places to start. A 2018 study in the Journal of Adolescent Health found that transgender young people whose chosen name was used in more areas of their lives had lower rates of depression and suicidal thoughts and behaviours.
Use their name and pronouns, even when they're not in the room.
Practise in private if you're worried about slipping. Say their name and pronouns out loud when you're alone.
If you make a mistake, correct yourself briefly and move on: "She, sorry, he said he'd be there." A long apology can make the moment harder for them.
Follow their lead on what feels private and which questions are welcome.
Supporting someone coming out as gay, lesbian or bisexual
How to support someone coming out as gay, lesbian or bisexual looks a lot like supporting anyone you love. Treat their relationships the same way you'd treat anyone else's. Invite their partner to family events. Use the words they use for themselves. And don't make every conversation about their identity. They're still the same person who loves bad movies or makes the best lasagna.
Support over time, not just the first day
The first conversation is just the beginning. Ongoing support might look like:
checking in now and then, without making it a big deal
speaking up when you hear jokes, slurs or put-downs
including them, and their partner, the same way you always have
remembering that coming out can happen again and again with new people
If you're learning how to support a friend coming out, the same applies. Keep being their friend.
How counselling can help
Our LGBTQ2S+ counselling starts from the view that homophobia and transphobia are social problems, not problems with the person. Affirming counselling never tries to change who someone is. Instead, it offers a safe space to explore identity, heal from hurt and build confidence.
We also offer individual counselling, family therapy and parent counselling, so the person who came out, a worried parent or the whole family can get support. We offer counselling at our Kitchener-Waterloo, Cambridge and Ottawa offices, and online anywhere in Ontario.
Sessions with our therapists range from $130 to $200, depending on the clinician.
Depending on your plan, insurance may cover some or all of the cost. Coverage varies, so check your plan.
We accept Health Spending Accounts (HSAs).
We can direct bill many insurers, including for sessions with a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying). Desjardins is the exception: through TELUS eClaims, we can direct bill Desjardins for sessions with an RSW, RP or psychologist, but not for an RP (Qualifying).
Book a free 15-minute consultation with our admin team. "Someone in my family just came out, and I'd like support" is enough.
If you're in crisis: if you or anyone else is in immediate danger, call 911. If you or the person you love are having thoughts of suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night. Our crisis lines page lists both.
Last reviewed: October 2026
Sources
Katz-Wise SL, Rosario M, Tsappis M., Pediatric Clinics of North America (2016), Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender youth and family acceptance
Russell ST, et al., Journal of Adolescent Health (2018), Chosen name use is linked to reduced depressive symptoms, suicidal ideation, and suicidal behavior among transgender youth