When did you last hand something in the first time it was finished? If you have to think about it, keep reading. The report was done on Tuesday. You sent it on Thursday. Nobody noticed the difference except you, and you noticed it all week.
If that's familiar, you've probably wondered how to overcome perfectionism without turning into someone who doesn't care. The goal isn't lower standards. It's standards you can meet and then leave alone.
Perfectionism isn't a diagnosis. It's a habit with three parts: a bar set at flawless, a harsh voice when you miss it, and a belief that your worth rides on the result. Below are the signs to look for, then six practical tools counsellors often use, each with a note on what it won't do.
Signs of perfectionism
High standards on their own aren't the problem. The trouble starts when the standard runs you. A few signs:
You redo work that was already finished.
You avoid things you can't do well the first time.
You feel relief rather than pride when something goes right.
Small mistakes stay with you for days.
Tasks take far longer than they need to, or never get started.
Rest feels like something you have to earn.
If several of these fit, the tools below are a practical place to start.
Set a good enough standard before you start
What it is: deciding, in advance, what done looks like for this task. Not perfect. Done.
When to reach for it: any task that swallows more time than it deserves. Emails. Presentations. Packed lunches.
How to do it: before you begin, write one sentence. "This is finished when it has the three numbers my manager asked for and no typos." Then stop when the sentence is true. A good enough mindset isn't sloppiness. It's matching effort to what the task is for. A ten out of ten email and a seven out of ten email usually get the same reply.
What this will not do: quiet the voice that says seven isn't enough. The voice will still speak.
Curious which of these fits your week? You can ask in a free 15-minute consultation, with nothing to sign up for afterward.
Catch the comparison and name where it came from
What it is: noticing the moment you measure yourself against someone else, and asking where the measuring stick was made.
When to reach for it: after scrolling. After a family dinner. After a colleague's win.
How to do it: when the sinking feeling arrives, say what you compared. "Her kitchen against mine." "His promotion against my year." Then ask whose standard that is. Perfectionism and social media can feed each other, because a feed is a highlight reel and you're comparing your outtakes to it.
Why has perfectionism increased? Research on university students in Canada, the United States and the United Kingdom suggests it has risen since the late 1980s. Suggested reasons include constant comparison, a culture that ranks people against each other, and rising demands from parents, schools and employers. Each one adds a measuring stick you didn't choose.
What this will not do: stop the comparison from happening. The tool changes what you do in the second after.
Deliberately do one thing imperfectly
What it is: a small, planned act of not-quite. A text with a typo. A bed left unmade.
When to reach for it: when you've stopped starting things because you can't do them flawlessly.
How to do it: pick something low stakes. Do it worse than you could, on purpose, and then don't fix it. Watch what happens. Usually nothing. The point is evidence. Your nervous system expects disaster, and it has to see the non-disaster to update. Perfectionism and anxiety share a lot, including predicted catastrophe and avoided tests, which is why this tool comes straight from anxiety treatment.
What this will not do: work if you secretly pick something that doesn't matter to you. The discomfort is the ingredient. If it didn't sting, choose again.
Separate your worth from your output
What it is: unhooking who you are from what you produce.
When to reach for it: when a mistake feels like a verdict on your whole self.
How to do it: notice the sentence after the mistake. "I'm useless" is a verdict. "That slide was wrong" is a fact. Say the fact version out loud, then ask what you'd think of a friend who made the same error. Some perfectionists grew up in homes where love felt tied to grades, or where a parent's own dreams rode on the child's results. If so, this tool is undoing an old lesson, not a recent one. Our page on self-esteem counselling explains how we work on that deeper layer.
Is perfectionism a sign of anxiety? It often travels with anxiety and low mood, and it can sit under imposter feelings at work and under procrastination too.
What this will not do: change the belief in a week. Worth-by-output is usually years deep. Expect to repeat this one often.
Reframe mistakes as information
What it is: treating an error as data about the task rather than a mark against you.
When to reach for it: right after something goes wrong, before the spiral starts.
How to do it: ask three questions. What happened? What does that tell me about the task? What would I change next time? Write the answers down. A mistake turned into three answers is a lesson. Left as a feeling, it's a wound. Constantly scanning for what might go wrong can wear down your mood as well as your nerves, so this can protect your mood too.
What this will not do: make the mistake feel fine. Feeling bad about an error is normal and passes. The tool stops the feeling from becoming a story about you.
Swap the verdict for a question
What it is: meeting the unknown with curiosity instead of judgment. Children do this without trying, and adults can relearn it.
When to reach for it: the moment "I should know this" or "I can't get this wrong" is about to leave your mouth.
How to do it: replace the verdict with a question. "I wonder what happens if I try it this way." "What's the part I don't understand yet?" Saying "I don't know" out loud is uncomfortable, and that's the whole exercise. Curiosity and perfectionism are hard to run at once, because one is open and the other is braced.
What this will not do: fix a workplace that punishes questions. If "I don't know" costs you at work, the problem isn't only in your head.
How to overcome perfectionism, and what these tools will not do
None of these will make you care less. None will remove the pull toward doing things well, which is a strength when you can switch it off. And none will reach the roots on their own if perfectionism has become how you keep anxiety at bay, or if it's tangled with an eating pattern, drinking, or a mood that's been flat for months.
If your mood has dropped to the point of thoughts of not wanting to be here, please reach out now:
Call or text 9-8-8 from anywhere in Canada.
Here 24/7 answers at 1-844-437-3247 across Waterloo Region.
In Ottawa, the Mental Health Crisis Line is 613-722-6914.
Call 911 if you are in immediate danger.
When perfectionism needs a counsellor
Can therapy help with perfectionism? Yes, and it doesn't involve being told to relax. Therapy for perfectionism often draws on cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), which has research support for reducing perfectionism. Together you map the rules you live by, test them in small experiments like the ones above, and work on the harsh inner voice directly. Where fear of failure is the real driver, that work often overlaps with anxiety counselling.
Our counsellors work out of five offices, four of them around Waterloo Region and the fifth on Rideau Street in Ottawa, and video reaches the rest of Ontario. Evening and weekend appointments are available, and no doctor has to refer you. In many cases we can bill your insurance directly, depending on your plan and your therapist.
Frequently asked questions
Is perfectionism a good thing?
Caring about doing things well is a strength. It becomes a problem when the standard is flawless, missing it feels like a verdict on you, and it costs you time, sleep or relationships.
How long does it take to overcome perfectionism?
It varies. The tools above can make a difference within weeks, but the belief that your worth rides on results usually takes longer to shift.
Can I work on perfectionism on my own?
Many people start on their own with tools like these. If it keeps pulling you back, or it's tied to anxiety or low mood, a counsellor can help you go further.
Taking the first step
The standard you can't seem to meet is a good thing to describe in a free 15-minute consultation, and we'll start looking at where it came from.
If you are in crisis, call or text 9-8-8, or call Here 24/7 at 1-844-437-3247. In an emergency, call 911.