"I'm bad at everything." "I'm the worst one in my class." "Why even try?" Hearing your child talk about themselves this way can break your heart. You tell them they're smart and wonderful, and they roll their eyes or argue back. If you're wondering how to help a child with low self-esteem, you're not alone. This guide covers signs to notice, why big praise can fall flat, what to say when your child is hard on themselves, and when counselling can help.
This post is general information for parents of school-age children. It isn't a diagnosis. Only a qualified professional can assess what your child is experiencing.
Signs of low self-esteem in a child
Self-esteem is how a child sees and values themselves. Every child has moments of self-doubt, but when it becomes a pattern, you might notice:
giving up quickly when something feels hard
avoiding new activities because they might not be good at them
harsh self-talk, like "I'm stupid" or "nobody likes me"
comparing themselves to siblings or friends and always coming up short
needing a lot of reassurance, or brushing off compliments
getting very upset over small mistakes
letting others make choices for them
acting the class clown or bossy to cover feeling unsure
One or two of these on a bad week isn't cause for alarm. It's the pattern over time that matters.
Why praise doesn't always help
When your child feels low, it's natural to pile on the praise. But big, general praise doesn't always land. In a well-known 1998 series of studies, psychologists Claudia Mueller and Carol Dweck found that children praised for being smart were more likely to avoid challenges after a setback than children praised for their effort.
A 2014 study led by Eddie Brummelman found that inflated praise, like "that's incredibly beautiful," could backfire for children with low self-esteem, making them less likely to take on challenges.
What helps instead is specific, honest feedback about effort and choices:
"You kept going on that math problem even when it got tricky."
"I noticed you asked that new kid to play. That was kind."
"You tried a different way when the first one didn't work."
You don't have to stop praising your child. Warm, genuine words still matter. If you're learning how to support a child with low self-esteem, the shift is simply toward praise that's specific and true, so your child can believe it. The same goes for how to help a child with low self-worth: they need to see real evidence that they matter, not just hear it.
When your child says "I'm stupid"
It's tempting to jump in with "No, you're not!" But arguing can make your child feel unheard, and they may dig in harder. Try listening first.
You might say, "It sounds like you're feeling really frustrated right now." Then get curious: "What happened?" Once they feel understood, you can gently offer another view: "That spelling test was hard. Being stuck on something doesn't make you stupid. It means you're learning."
Over time, you're helping them build a kinder inner voice, one they can use when you're not around.
Small ways to help them feel capable
Confidence grows from doing, not just hearing. Look for small chances for your child to feel capable at home:
Give real jobs. Feeding a pet, helping make dinner or sorting laundry shows you trust them.
Offer choices. "Do you want to do homework before or after your snack?"
Let them finish things. Resist stepping in too quickly when they're struggling.
Celebrate progress. Notice how far they've come, not just the end result.
Share interests. Time spent on something they love can remind them what they're good at.
If you're wondering how to help a child with low self-confidence, these everyday moments are a great place to start.
Mistakes, comparison and friendships
Mistakes can feel huge to a child with low self-worth. You can help by talking about your own mistakes in a light way: "I burned the toast this morning. Oh well, I'll try again tomorrow."
If your child compares themselves to others, acknowledge the feeling, then shift the focus: "It's hard when it seems like everyone else finds it easy. What's one thing you've gotten better at this year?" For friendship worries, listen, help them think through options, and remind them that one tough day doesn't define them.
Body image and self-esteem
How children feel about their bodies can be tied up with how they feel about themselves. Try to talk about bodies in terms of what they can do, like run, dance, climb or hug, rather than how they look. Avoid commenting on weight or comparing bodies, including your own.
Our post on body image and healthy self-esteem has more ideas.
What children pick up from the adults around them
Children notice how the adults in their lives talk about themselves. If you often say "I'm so bad at this" or criticize your own looks, your child may learn to do the same.
This isn't about blame. Most of us grew up with a harsh inner voice. But you can model something different by speaking kindly to yourself out loud: "That didn't go how I wanted. I'll try again." It shows your child that mistakes are part of life, not proof that something's wrong with you.
How to help a young child with low self-esteem
Younger school-age children often show low self-esteem through behaviour rather than words. They might refuse to try, melt down over small mistakes or cling to you in new situations.
If you're wondering how to help a young child with low self-esteem, keep things simple. Notice effort, give lots of one-on-one time, use play to build skills and offer comfort without rushing to fix. Wondering how to help a child with very low self-esteem? If it doesn't shift over time, or it comes with sadness, worry or big changes in behaviour, it's worth getting support.
When it might be part of something bigger
Sometimes low self-esteem sits alongside anxiety, low mood or learning differences. A child who struggles with reading or attention may start to believe they're "not smart," when really they learn in a different way.
If you notice ongoing sadness, worry, withdrawal or talk of not wanting to be here, reach out for help. A psychological assessment can also help you understand how your child learns. Assessments for children, teens and adults are available at every office. For assessment fees, ask during your free consultation.
How counselling can help your child
Counselling gives your child a safe space to explore their feelings, practise kinder self-talk and build confidence in ways that feel real. For younger children, sessions often use play, drawing and games. Parents are usually involved, so you learn ways to support your child at home. Family therapy can help too.
We offer counselling for children ages 6 and up and self-esteem counselling in person at our Kitchener-Waterloo, Cambridge and Ottawa offices, or online. Parents can also book online counselling for themselves anywhere in Ontario.
Sessions with our therapists range from $130 to $200, depending on the clinician.
Depending on your plan, insurance may cover some or all of the cost. Coverage varies, so check your plan.
We accept Health Spending Accounts (HSAs).
We can direct bill many insurers, including for sessions with a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying). Desjardins is the exception: through TELUS eClaims, we can direct bill Desjardins for sessions with an RSW, RP or psychologist, but not for an RP (Qualifying).
Book a free 15-minute consultation with our admin team. You don't need to have it all figured out. "My child is really hard on themselves" is enough.
If you're in crisis: if your child or anyone else is in immediate danger, call 911. If anyone is having thoughts of suicide or self-harm, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night. Our crisis lines page lists both.
Your child's sense of worth can grow. Your patience and warmth are a big part of that.
Last reviewed: October 2026
Sources
Promoting self-esteem in children, AboutKidsHealth (SickKids)
How to foster your child's self-esteem, Canadian Paediatric Society, Caring for Kids