The calendar turns, and there it is: the date your loved one died. Maybe you've felt it coming for weeks. Maybe it caught you off guard, and you woke up feeling heavy before you even knew why. You might wonder why it still hurts so much, especially if others seem to have moved on. Grief around the anniversary of a death is normal, and there are ways to get through it gently. This post explains why anniversaries can be so hard, what you might feel and how to plan for the day.
This post is general information, not a diagnosis or medical advice. Only a qualified professional can assess what you're going through.
Why the anniversary of a death can hurt so much
Grief doesn't follow a straight line, and it doesn't end on a set date. Mayo Clinic explains that feelings of grief might return on the anniversary of a loved one's death or on other special days. These feelings are sometimes called an anniversary reaction. Mayo Clinic says they aren't necessarily a setback. Instead, they reflect how important your loved one's life was to you.
The National Cancer Institute describes "grief bursts," which are short periods of very intense distress. It says these can be set off by reminders such as holidays or the anniversary of the death. At other times they seem to come out of nowhere.
So if anniversary of death grief hits you hard, nothing is wrong with you. Your mind and body remember. Many people find the first anniversary especially hard, but later ones can bring strong feelings too.
What a grief anniversary reaction can feel like
A grief anniversary reaction can bring back some of the strong feelings you had when your loved one first died. Mayo Clinic lists feelings such as:
Sadness and crying spells
Anger
Anxiety
Guilt
Loneliness
Fatigue or low energy
Trouble sleeping
You may also have vivid memories of the day itself, such as where you were and what you were doing when you heard the news. Mayo Clinic notes that anniversary reactions can last for days at a time.
For many people, the days leading up to the date can feel even harder than the day itself. The U.S. National Center for PTSD notes that people often worry ahead of time and may feel anxiety or dread as the date gets closer. Some people call this the grief anniversary effect: a rise in grief that seems tied to the calendar, sometimes before you've even noticed the date.
How to plan for the anniversary of a loved one's death
Planning ahead can help the day feel less overwhelming. If you're wondering what to do on the anniversary of a loved one's death, there's no right answer. Choose what fits you. Some ideas:
Decide on company or quiet. You might want people around you, or you may need time alone. Both are okay.
Mark the day in a small way. Light a candle, cook their favourite meal, visit a place they loved or look through photos.
Start a new tradition. Mayo Clinic suggests ideas like planting a tree or making a donation in your loved one's name.
Write to them. A letter or a list of good memories can help you feel connected. You can add to it each year.
Choose rest or routine. Some people take the day off. Others find it helps to keep a normal day with a gentle plan for the evening.
Tell people what you need. Let friends or family know the date is coming and how they can help.
Allow mixed feelings. You might laugh at a memory and cry a moment later. Mayo Clinic says it's okay to let yourself feel joy as well as sadness.
Give yourself permission to change the plan. If the day feels different than you expected, it's okay to adjust.
It can also help to plan for the hardest moments. The National Center for PTSD suggests making a plan to "cope ahead." Think about which moments may be toughest, such as the time of day your loved one died. Then choose one or two things that calm you, like a walk, a call with a friend or a favourite song. Write them down so they're easy to reach when you need them.
Birthdays, sudden losses and other hard dates
The date of death isn't the only hard day. Birthdays, wedding anniversaries, the date of a diagnosis or the last time you saw your loved one can all bring grief back. The holidays can also be hard, especially in the first year.
Grief around the anniversary of a death can feel different when the loss was sudden or traumatic. The National Center for PTSD explains that dates linked to a trauma, such as the date of a traumatic death or the birthday of someone who was killed, can act as strong reminders. These can bring back intrusive memories, poor sleep and feeling on edge. It also notes that these reactions are normal and are often short-lived.
If your loved one died by suicide, anniversaries can bring up complex feelings like guilt, anger or questions without answers. Our post on how to cope after losing someone to suicide may help.
Helping someone through a grief anniversary
If someone you care about is facing a hard date, small gestures can mean a lot:
Say their loved one's name. Many grieving people worry others have forgotten.
Mark the date. A short message like "Thinking of you and of your mom today" can feel very supportive.
Check in before and after. The days around the anniversary can be hard too.
Offer practical help. Bring a meal, run an errand or offer to spend time together.
Listen without fixing. You don't need perfect words. Being there is often enough.
When to talk to someone about grief
Anniversary reactions are normal. Mayo Clinic notes that the intensity of grief tends to ease with time, even though there's no time limit for grief. But it may help to get support if your grief is getting worse over time instead of better, or if it's getting in the way of daily life.
If you're thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 now. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 911.
You might consider talking to someone if:
Your grief still feels as intense as it did in the early days
You find it hard to work, sleep or care for yourself
You feel stuck, numb or unable to accept the loss
You feel very alone with your grief
Sometimes grief stays intense for a long time and makes daily life very hard. This is known as prolonged grief. Learn more about prolonged grief disorder treatment.
Our grief anniversary and grief counselling support can give you a safe place to talk about your loved one, make sense of hard feelings and plan for difficult dates. You don't have to carry this alone.
You can see us in Kitchener, Waterloo, Cambridge or Ottawa, or by secure video from anywhere in Ontario.
Cost, billing and your first step
Sessions with our therapists range from $130 to $200, depending on the clinician.
We accept Health Spending Accounts (HSAs).
We can direct bill many insurers. Coverage depends on your plan, so check with your insurer before you start.
Book a free 15-minute consultation with our admin team. Let them know you're grieving and a hard date is coming up, and they'll help you find a good fit.
If you're in crisis: if you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 911. If you're thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night.
Last reviewed: October 2026
Sources
Grief: coping with reminders after a loss, Mayo Clinic News Network
Grief, bereavement, and loss (PDQ), patient version, National Cancer Institute
Anniversary reactions and other recurring trauma reminders, U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, National Center for PTSD