Having feelings for your therapist is more common than most people think. You might feel a strong fondness, a crush, a wish to be their friend or a worry about what they think of you. These feelings can be confusing and even embarrassing. This post is written from the client's side. It explains why these feelings happen, whether to bring them up, what a good therapist does and what is never okay.
This post is general information, not medical or legal advice.
Feelings for your therapist are common
Therapy is an unusual relationship. Someone listens to you closely, remembers what matters to you and does not judge you. For many people, that kind of attention is rare. It makes sense that it can stir up strong feelings.
These feelings can take many forms. Some people feel a romantic or physical attraction. Others feel like a child who wants a parent's approval. Some feel jealous of the therapist's other clients, or hurt when a session ends. Some feel angry or let down for reasons that are hard to explain.
None of this means you are doing therapy wrong. Feelings like these are a known part of the process. Therapists are trained to expect them and to handle them with care.
What transference means
Therapists have a word for some of these feelings: transference. It means feelings from other important relationships, often from earlier in life, get "transferred" onto the therapist.
For example, if you grew up longing for a parent's attention, you might find yourself craving your therapist's approval. If you were often criticized, you might brace for your therapist to judge you, even when they have not.
Romantic or sexual feelings toward a therapist have been written about for a long time. Clinical writing describes these feelings as a normal part of therapy for some clients, and stresses that the therapist's job is to respond with care and clear boundaries (see Sources).
Transference is not "fake." The feelings are real. But they often carry useful clues about your needs, hopes and old hurts.
There is a related word for the therapist's side: countertransference. That is when a therapist has their own feelings about a client. Our post on understanding countertransference explains what it is and how good therapists manage it.
Should you tell your therapist?
This is the question most people wrestle with. The short answer: you are allowed to, and it often helps. But you get to choose when and how.
Talking about these feelings can feel scary. You might worry your therapist will be shocked, uncomfortable or will end therapy. In reality, a skilled therapist has heard this before. They know how to talk about it calmly and without shame.
Bringing it up can also make therapy stronger. The feelings often point to something important, such as a longing to be seen, a fear of being left or a pattern that shows up in other relationships. Exploring that together can lead to real growth.
You do not need perfect words. You might say:
"I've noticed some feelings toward you that are a bit awkward to talk about."
"I think I'm getting attached in a way that confuses me."
"Can we talk about our relationship in here?"
If you are not ready, that is okay too. You can write a note to bring to a session, or simply say there is something you want to talk about but feel nervous.
What a good therapist does
When you share feelings like these, a good therapist will:
Thank you for trusting them, and stay calm and kind
Help you explore what the feelings might mean, without judging you
Keep clear, steady boundaries about what the relationship is
Keep what you share private, within the normal limits of confidentiality
Our page on confidentiality in counselling explains how privacy works in sessions and when the limits apply.
A good therapist will not return romantic feelings, flirt with you or suggest meeting outside of sessions. They will not make you feel ashamed for having feelings either. The boundary is there to keep therapy a safe place to explore anything, including this.
Why the relationship matters so much
The bond between you and your therapist is part of what makes therapy work. Researchers call it the therapeutic alliance. A large review of studies found that a stronger alliance was linked with better results in therapy, even after taking other factors into account (see Sources).
That is one reason these feelings deserve attention rather than silence. When you can be honest about the relationship itself, the alliance often gets stronger. You get to practise saying hard things out loud with someone who responds with care.
What is never okay
Some lines should never be crossed. A therapist should never:
Start a romantic or sexual relationship with you
Touch you in a sexual way or make sexual comments
Suggest that a relationship could happen after therapy ends as a way to keep you close
Ask you to keep secrets about how they treat you
In Ontario, the Regulated Health Professions Act sets rules for regulated health professionals. Under that law, any sexual relationship or sexual touching between a regulated health professional and a client is treated as sexual abuse of a patient. So are sexual comments or behaviour toward a client (see Sources).
These rules exist to protect you. If a therapist ever crosses one of these lines, it is not your fault. Your feelings never make it okay for them to act on theirs.
When the feelings get in the way
Sometimes strong feelings make it hard to focus in sessions. You might spend the week thinking about your therapist, or feel crushed when a session ends. If that happens, it is worth saying so. Your therapist can help you slow things down and make sense of it.
In some cases, you and your therapist might decide that a change would help. That is a shared decision, not a punishment. Many people find that working through the feelings, rather than leaving, is where the most growth happens.
If you would rather explore this with a new therapist, or from home, our team also offers online counselling across Ontario. Some people find that a screen gives them a little more distance while they sort out what they feel.
Common questions
Does having feelings for my therapist mean I am in love? Not always. Strong feelings in therapy often mix gratitude, comfort and old longings. Talking about them can help you sort out what they really mean for you.
Will my therapist think less of me? A good therapist will not. They know these feelings are a normal part of the work, and they will respond with respect.
Is it okay to feel nothing at all? Yes. Some people feel very little toward their therapist, and that is normal too. There is no right way to feel in therapy.
Cost, billing and your first step
Sessions with our therapists range from $130 to $200, depending on the clinician.
We accept Health Spending Accounts (HSAs).
We can direct bill many insurers. Coverage depends on your plan, so check with your insurer before you start.
Book a free 15-minute consultation with our admin team. We can listen to what you are looking for and help match you with a therapist who fits.
If you're in crisis: if you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 911. If you're thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night.
Last reviewed: October 2026
Sources
Ladson D, Welton R. "Recognizing and managing erotic and eroticized transferences." Psychiatry (Edgmont), 2007. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2921238/
Flückiger C, Del Re AC, et al. "Assessing the alliance-outcome association adjusted for patient characteristics and treatment processes: A meta-analytic summary of direct comparisons." Journal of Counseling Psychology, 2020. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7529648/
Government of Ontario. Regulated Health Professions Act, 1991, Schedule 2 (Health Professions Procedural Code). https://www.ontario.ca/laws/statute/91r18