Conflict avoidance in relationships is when one or both partners steer away from disagreements to keep the peace. It can feel calm on the surface, but important feelings and needs often go unspoken. With a few new habits, couples can learn to have hard conversations in a way that feels safer for both people.
This post is general information, not medical advice or a diagnosis.
What conflict avoidance in a relationship looks like
Every couple disagrees sometimes. Conflict avoidance is less about how often you disagree and more about what happens when you do. Instead of talking it through, one or both of you change the subject, go quiet or agree just to end it.
In a conflict-avoidant couple, problems may be put off for weeks, months or years. Conflict avoidance in marriage can look peaceful from the outside, while each partner feels a little more alone inside.
Signs you or your partner may be avoiding conflict
Signs of conflict avoidance in relationships can include:
Saying “it’s fine” when it is not
Changing the subject when something hard comes up
Going quiet, leaving the room or getting busy during a tough talk
Joking to move past a serious moment
Bringing up issues only by text, or not at all
Feeling relief when a hard topic is dropped
Small hurts building into resentment over time
You might see these signs in yourself, in your partner or in both of you. Many couples take turns.
Why some people avoid conflict with a partner
There are many reasons someone becomes a conflict avoidant partner. Common ones include:
Fear of the fallout. Worry that a talk will turn into a fight, or that the relationship might be at risk.
Past experiences. Growing up in a home with yelling, or where feelings were never discussed, can shape how you handle conflict now.
Feeling flooded. Some people feel so overwhelmed during a tense talk that they shut down. The Gottman Institute describes this kind of shutting down, which it calls stonewalling, as the listener withdrawing because they feel overwhelmed or flooded (see Sources).
Wanting to protect the other person. Some people stay quiet because they do not want to hurt their partner.
Not knowing how. Many of us were never taught how to disagree with care.
Each of these makes sense. Understanding the “why” can help you both feel less blamed and more curious.
The pursue and withdraw cycle
Many couples get stuck in a pattern where one partner pursues and the other withdraws. One person pushes to talk about a problem. The other pulls back to calm things down. The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws, and the more one withdraws, the more the other pursues.
Both partners are usually trying to protect the relationship in their own way. The pursuer wants closeness and answers. The withdrawer wants calm and safety. Seeing the cycle as the problem, rather than each other, can be a turning point.
How avoiding conflict can affect a relationship over time
Avoiding every disagreement can seem kind in the moment. Over time, though, the effects of conflict avoidance in relationships can add up:
Needs go unmet because they are never spoken
Resentment builds quietly
Partners feel distant or like roommates
Small issues grow into bigger ones
One or both people feel unheard
Research by John Gottman and Robert Levenson followed couples over 14 years. Among the couples who divorced, those with a more “neutral,” low-emotion style of relating tended to divorce later in the marriage than couples with more volatile conflict (see Sources). In other words, a calm surface does not always mean things are fine underneath.
How to start hard conversations more safely
Learning how to overcome conflict avoidance in relationships takes practice. These ideas can help you both feel safer.
Pick a good time. Choose a calm moment, not right before bed or when one of you is rushing out the door.
Start soft. Begin with how you feel and what you need, not with blame. For example, “I have been feeling a bit lonely in the evenings, and I would love more time together.”
Keep it to one topic. Try not to bring up every past issue at once.
Take breaks when flooded. If either of you feels overwhelmed, pause and come back later. The Gottman Institute suggests agreeing ahead of time on a respectful signal for a break, and honouring it when either of you feels flooded (see Sources).
Listen to understand. Repeat back what you heard before you respond. “So you are saying you feel…”
Look for a small step. You do not need to solve everything in one talk. Agree on one small next step.
Our post on the Gottman Four Horsemen explains common patterns in conflict and their antidotes.
What to do if your partner avoids every hard talk
If your partner avoids every hard conversation, it can feel frustrating and lonely. Some ideas that may help:
Ask when would be a good time, instead of starting the talk on the spot
Keep your tone gentle and share why it matters to you
Let them know you are not trying to fight or blame
Offer to keep the talk short, with a set end time
Notice and thank them when they do engage
It may also help to remember that avoiding conflict is often about fear, not lack of care.
If you avoid conflict because you are afraid of your partner, your safety comes first. If you are in danger, call 911.
If you are thinking about suicide or hurting yourself, call or text 9-8-8 now. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 911.
How couples counselling can help
Couples counselling gives you a calm, guided space to talk about the things that feel too hard at home. A therapist can help you both:
See the patterns you get stuck in, like pursue and withdraw
Learn ways to speak up and listen without blame
Practise taking breaks and coming back to a talk
Understand the fears and needs under the avoidance
Our team includes clinicians with Gottman Method Level 1 and Level 2 training. Learn more about the Gottman Method and our couples couples counselling. For online couples sessions, both partners need to be in Ontario.
We offer counselling at our Kitchener-Waterloo, Cambridge and Ottawa offices, and online across Ontario. Every clinician on our team is registered with their college.
Common questions about conflict avoidance in relationships
What is conflict avoidance in a relationship? It is a pattern where one or both partners steer away from disagreements to keep the peace.
Is avoiding conflict bad for a marriage? Not every time. But when hard topics never get talked about, needs can go unmet and distance can grow.
Why does my partner shut down when we try to talk? Many people shut down when they feel overwhelmed. It is often about fear, not lack of care.
How do I talk to a conflict avoidant partner? Pick a calm time, start gently, keep it short and focus on one topic.
Can couples counselling help with conflict avoidance? Many couples find it helpful to have a guide as they learn new ways to talk.
Billing and your first step
We accept Health Spending Accounts (HSAs).
We can direct bill many insurers. Coverage depends on your plan, so check with your insurer before you start.
If hard conversations keep getting pushed aside, book a free 15-minute consultation and we can help you both talk about what matters.
If you’re in crisis: if you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 911. If you’re thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night.
Last reviewed: October 2026
Sources
Gottman JM, Levenson RW. “A two-factor model for predicting when a couple will divorce: exploratory analyses using 14-year longitudinal data.” Family Process. 2002;41(1):83-96. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11924092/
The Gottman Institute. “The Four Horsemen: Stonewalling.” https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling/