If you keep asking “why do I push people away,” the short answer is that pushing people away is often a way to protect yourself. Pulling back can feel safer than risking hurt, rejection or being truly seen. The good news is that this pattern can change, one small step at a time.
This post is general information, not medical advice or a diagnosis.
What pushing people away can look like
Pushing people away does not only happen in romance. It can show up with friends, family, partners and even coworkers you like.
You might notice that:
Go quiet or stop replying when someone gets close
Cancel plans at the last minute
Pick fights or find faults when things are going well
Keep conversations on the surface
Say “I’m fine” even when you are not
Leave before the other person has a chance to leave you
Many people do some of these things now and then. It becomes a pattern worth looking at when it keeps costing you relationships you care about.
Why do I push people away when they get close?
There is rarely one single reason. Here are some common ones.
Fear of being hurt. If you have been let down, criticized or left before, closeness can feel risky. Keeping distance can feel like a way to stay safe.
Fear of rejection. Some people pull away first so they do not have to feel the pain of being pushed away. Our post on fear of rejection looks at this more closely.
Shame. If part of you believes you are not good enough, letting someone see the real you can feel scary.
Feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes closeness simply feels like too much, especially when you are stressed, tired or going through a hard time.
Old patterns. The way we learned to connect growing up can shape how we handle closeness as adults.
Pushing people away as a defense mechanism
Many people describe pushing people away as a defense mechanism, and that is a helpful way to think about it. It is a way your mind tries to protect you from pain.
The trouble is that the same move that protects you can also keep you lonely. Distance may keep out hurt, but it can also keep out comfort, support and love.
Seeing the pattern as protection, not as a flaw, can make it easier to be kind to yourself while you work on it.
Attachment and closeness
Attachment theory looks at how we bond with the important people in our lives. It started as a way to explain how babies bond with caregivers. Researchers later applied it to adult relationships and to emotions, stress and mental health.
Psychologists Mario Mikulincer and Phillip Shaver reviewed this research. They describe attachment insecurity as a major contributor to mental health struggles, and they note that building a sense of security can help (see Sources).
In plain words, if closeness has not always felt safe, your mind may still be on guard. That guard can soften over time with safe, steady relationships, including a relationship with a therapist.
Why do I push away people who love me?
It can feel confusing to push away the people who love you most. Often, the closer someone is, the more it matters, and the more there is to lose.
Love can also stir up old fears. You might wonder, “What if they see the real me and leave?” Pulling back can feel like a way to stay in control.
If this feels true in romantic relationships, our post on fear of intimacy explores it in more depth.
Pushing people away when depressed or grieving
Many people find they pull back when they feel low, after a loss or during a hard season. You may not have the energy to talk, or you may not want to be a “downer.”
Withdrawing from people when you feel low can be one sign of depression. Only a qualified professional can say what is going on for you. If low mood lasts for weeks, or you have lost interest in things you used to enjoy, it may help to reach out.
Healthy space or pushing people away?
Needing space is normal and healthy. Everyone needs time to rest and recharge.
The difference often comes down to a few questions:
Do I tell people what I need? Healthy space is usually shared, such as “I need a quiet night, can we talk tomorrow?”
Do I come back? Healthy space has an end. Pushing away often does not.
Is fear driving it? If the urge to pull away comes from panic or dread, it may be protection rather than rest.
How to stop pushing people away
You do not need to change everything at once. Small steps can make a real difference.
Notice the urge. When you feel like pulling back, pause and name it: “I’m feeling the urge to go quiet.”
Get curious. Ask yourself what you are afraid might happen if you stay close.
Share a little. You do not have to tell your whole story. Try sharing one small, true thing with someone you trust. The APA Dictionary of Psychology notes that, in relationships research, sharing personal things about yourself has been shown to build feelings of closeness (see Sources).
Use words instead of distance. Instead of vanishing, try saying, “I’m feeling overwhelmed. I need a day, but I care about you.”
Stay a little longer. When you want to leave a conversation, try staying for a few more minutes.
Be kind to yourself. Changing a pattern takes time. You will slip sometimes, and that is okay.
Let people know. If you trust someone, you might tell them, “I tend to pull away when I’m scared. If I do, it’s not about you.”
If you are thinking about suicide or hurting yourself, call or text 9-8-8 now. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 911.
How counselling can help
Counselling offers a safe place to understand why you push people away and to practise letting people in. A therapist can help you:
Understand where the pattern started
Work through fear, shame and past hurts
Build skills for sharing feelings and needs
Practise closeness at a pace that feels safe
Individual counselling can help you explore your own patterns. If pushing away is affecting your relationship, couples counselling can help you and your partner replace avoiding with honest, open communication.
We offer counselling at our Kitchener-Waterloo, Cambridge and Ottawa offices, and online across Ontario. Every clinician on our team is registered with their college.
Common questions about pushing people away
Why do I push people away when they get close? Often to protect yourself from hurt, rejection or being truly seen.
Is pushing people away a defense mechanism? It can be. It is a way your mind tries to keep you safe, even if it also keeps you lonely.
Why do I push people away when I’m upset or depressed? You may have little energy or not want to burden others. Withdrawing can be one sign of depression.
How do I stop pushing people away? Notice the urge, share small true things and use words instead of distance.
Can counselling help? Yes. Counselling can help you understand the pattern and practise letting people in.
Billing and your first step
We accept Health Spending Accounts (HSAs).
We can direct bill many insurers. Coverage depends on your plan, so check with your insurer before you start.
If you keep pulling away from people you care about, book a free 15-minute consultation and we can help you understand why and let people in.
If you’re in crisis: if you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 911. If you’re thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night.
Last reviewed: October 2026
Sources
Mikulincer M, Shaver PR. “An attachment perspective on psychopathology.” World Psychiatry. 2012;11(1):11-15. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22294997/
American Psychological Association. “Self-disclosure.” APA Dictionary of Psychology. https://dictionary.apa.org/self-disclosure