Many of us grew up hearing "look at me when I'm talking to you." For a lot of autistic people, that simple request can feel uncomfortable, distracting or even painful. Avoiding eye contact is often misread as rudeness, shyness or not paying attention, when it can actually be the opposite. This guide explains why do autistic people avoid eye contact, what it can feel like, the cost of forcing it, and how friends, family and workplaces can help.
This post is general information, not a diagnosis. Only a qualified professional can assess autism.
Eye contact and autism, in plain words
Autism is a different way of experiencing the world, including how people process senses, communication and social situations. Differences around eye contact are common among autistic people of all ages, though not every autistic person avoids it and not everyone experiences it the same way.
Some autistic people look away most of the time. Some look at a mouth, a shoulder or a spot nearby. Some make eye contact easily with people they trust but not with strangers. All of these are valid ways of being in a conversation.
What eye contact can feel like
In a 2017 study published in PLOS One, researchers at Simon Fraser University, led by Dominic Trevisan, analysed first-hand accounts from autistic adults and teens about eye contact. Many people described it as uncomfortable, and some said it felt painful. Others said it felt too intense, too intimate or like being exposed.
People also described sensory overload, as if too much information was coming in at once. For some, eye contact brings a wave of anxiety or physical discomfort. Understanding this can help you see that looking away isn't a choice to be rude. It's often a way to stay regulated.
Listening without looking
One of the most common themes in that study was that many people found it hard to listen while making eye contact at the same time. Looking away frees up attention for the conversation itself.
So when an autistic person looks at the floor while you talk, they may actually be listening more closely, not less. Many autistic people say they follow a conversation better without eye contact. Respecting that can make communication easier for everyone.
Can autistic people make eye contact?
Yes, many can, and some do so often. Autism and eye contact don't follow one rule. Some autistic people make eye contact comfortably with family or close friends, some can do it for short bursts, and some find it hard in almost every situation. Energy levels, stress and the setting can all make a difference.
So why do people with autism struggle with eye contact at certain times and not others? Often it comes down to how much else is going on. In a quiet room with someone they trust, eye contact may feel manageable. In a noisy, busy or high-pressure moment, it can tip someone into overload. When people ask why do people with autism avoid eye contact, the honest answer is that it depends on the person and the moment.
Masking and the cost of forcing eye contact
Many autistic people learn to force eye contact to fit in. This is part of what's called masking, or camouflaging: hiding or changing natural ways of being to appear "less autistic."
A 2017 study led by Laura Hull, called "Putting on My Best Normal," found that autistic adults often described camouflaging as exhausting and linked it to stress and a sense of losing themselves. A 2020 study led by Dora Raymaker described burnout in autistic people as long-term exhaustion and loss of function that many participants connected to the demands of masking. Our post on burnout in autistic adults explains more.
Forcing eye contact can come at a real cost, even when someone seems to manage it well.
Autistic children and eye contact
If you're a parent, you may have been told your child needs to make more eye contact. It's worth knowing that many autistic adults say being pushed to do so as children was stressful and didn't help them connect.
Instead of focusing on eye contact, look for the ways your child does show attention and connection: turning toward you, answering, sharing interests or staying close by. If you're wondering why do autistic kids avoid eye contact, the same reasons apply as for adults: it can feel overwhelming, and looking away can help them listen and stay calm.
Why do autistic adults avoid eye contact at work?
At work, eye contact often carries unspoken expectations in meetings, interviews and presentations. Autistic adults may avoid it for the same reasons as anyone else on the spectrum, but the pressure to mask can be higher.
Some people find it helps to explain their communication style to a manager or trusted coworker, for example, "I listen best when I'm not looking right at you." Others prefer not to share. Either choice is okay.
Does avoiding eye contact always mean autism?
No. Avoiding eye contact doesn't always mean autism. People look away for lots of reasons: social anxiety, shyness, feeling ashamed, trauma, being deep in thought or simply cultural norms. In some cultures, direct eye contact with elders or authority figures is considered disrespectful.
Eye contact is just one piece of a much bigger picture. Only a full assessment can tell whether someone is autistic, so try not to draw conclusions from one behaviour.
How friends, partners and coworkers can help
Small changes can make a big difference:
don't insist on eye contact, or comment on where someone is looking
try side-by-side conversations, like walking, driving or cooking together
check understanding with words rather than looks
ask the person what helps them communicate best
remember that looking away can be a sign of listening, not ignoring
Respecting someone's natural way of communicating helps them feel safe, which makes real connection easier.
When an assessment can help
If you see yourself or your child in this post, an assessment can help you understand how you experience the world. Many adults who are diagnosed later in life say it helped them make sense of years of feeling different and finally stop blaming themselves.
Our psychologists assess children, teens and adults for autism at every office, including Ottawa. Our guide to psychological assessments in Ottawa explains how the process works. For assessment fees, ask during your free consultation.
Counselling that respects how you communicate
Counselling should feel safe and comfortable, including how you communicate in the room. Our therapists won't expect eye contact, and you're welcome to look wherever feels right, take breaks or use online sessions if that's easier. Counselling can help with anxiety, burnout, relationships and understanding yourself, without trying to change who you are.
We offer autism counselling at our Kitchener-Waterloo, Cambridge and Ottawa offices, and online anywhere in Ontario on a secure, encrypted video platform.
Sessions with our therapists range from $130 to $200, depending on the clinician.
Depending on your plan, insurance may cover some or all of the cost. Coverage varies, so check your plan.
We accept Health Spending Accounts (HSAs).
We can direct bill many insurers, including for sessions with a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying). Desjardins is the exception: through TELUS eClaims, we can direct bill Desjardins for sessions with an RSW, RP or psychologist, but not for an RP (Qualifying).
Book a free 15-minute consultation with our admin team. It's a phone call, and you don't need to have it all figured out. "I want to understand myself better" is enough.
If you're in crisis: if you or anyone else is in immediate danger, call 911. If you're having thoughts of suicide or self-harm, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night. Our crisis lines page lists both.
Looking away isn't rude. It's one way of being fully present.
Last reviewed: October 2026
Sources
How do adults and teens with self-declared Autism Spectrum Disorder experience eye contact? A qualitative analysis of first-hand accounts (PLOS ONE, 2017), peer-reviewed, PLOS ONE
Autism Spectrum Disorder, National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)