You replay conversations to check what you really said. You apologize first, even when you're not sure what you did. The person who once made you feel like the centre of the world now makes you feel like you can't do anything right. If this sounds familiar, you may be looking up the signs of narcissistic abuse. You may be wondering if that is what's happening to you. This guide will help you name the patterns and see why they are so hard to leave. It also explains how therapy can help you heal.
If you are in danger right now, call 911. Women experiencing abuse can call the Assaulted Women's Helpline, day or night, at 1-866-863-0511. Anyone can call or text 9-8-8.
What does "narcissistic abuse" mean?
"Narcissistic abuse" is not a medical diagnosis. It is an everyday term for a pattern of emotional and mental harm. It usually comes from a partner, parent, boss or friend who shows strong narcissistic traits. Those traits can include a deep need for admiration, a sense of being special or entitled, and little empathy for others.
Narcissistic personality disorder is a real diagnosis. But only a qualified professional who has assessed someone can make it. You don't need to know whether the other person has a disorder. What matters is how their behaviour affects you, and whether you feel safe, respected and free to be yourself.
Common signs of narcissistic abuse
Every relationship has hard moments. Abuse is different because it is a pattern of control that repeats and grows over time. Here are some signs of narcissistic abuse many people describe.
Love bombing, then pulling away
At the start, there may be intense attention, big gifts and talk of being soulmates, very fast. Later, that warmth is withdrawn without warning. You find yourself working harder and harder to get the "old them" back.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting means making you doubt your own memory, feelings or sense of reality. You might hear "That never happened," "You're too sensitive" or "You're imagining things" so often that you start to believe it.
Constant criticism and put-downs
Your looks, your friends, your cooking or your job are picked apart, often dressed up as jokes or "honesty." Over time, the voice in your head starts to sound like theirs.
Blame shifting
Somehow, every problem ends up being your fault. If you raise a concern, the conversation turns to what you did wrong instead.
Silent treatment and punishment
Affection, money or basic kindness are withheld when you don't go along with what they want. The message is clear, even if it's never said out loud.
Isolation
You see friends and family less. Maybe they criticize the people you love, make plans hard or sulk when you go out. Slowly, they become your main source of truth.
Walking on eggshells
You watch their mood closely and change your own behaviour to avoid setting them off. You may feel calm only when they are away.
Signs it may be affecting you
Sometimes the clearest signs of narcissistic abuse show up in you, not in them. You might notice:
doubting yourself, even about small decisions
feeling anxious, jumpy or on edge most of the time
low self-esteem, or a sense that you are "too much" or "not enough"
apologizing constantly
feeling numb, foggy or disconnected
trouble sleeping, headaches or stomach problems
losing touch with hobbies, friends or the person you used to be
Long-term emotional abuse can leave marks similar to trauma. Some people develop anxiety, depression or symptoms of post-traumatic stress. These are normal reactions to a hard situation, not a sign that something is wrong with you.
Why it's so hard to leave
People often ask, "Why don't you just go?" The answer is rarely simple.
Trauma bonding. Cycles of cruelty and kindness can create a strong emotional attachment. The good moments feel like proof that things will get better.
Self-doubt. After months or years of gaslighting, it is hard to trust your own view of what's happening.
Practical barriers. Money, housing, children, pets, immigration status or shared friends can all make leaving harder.
Fear. Some people worry about how the other person will react. That fear should always be taken seriously.
Leaving is a process, not a single moment. Many people go back and forth before they are ready, and that doesn't mean they have failed.
How therapy helps you recover from narcissistic abuse
Therapy is a safe place to make sense of what happened, without being judged or pushed to decide anything before you're ready.
Naming what happened
Many people come to therapy unsure whether what they went through "counts." A counsellor can help you see the patterns clearly and trust your own experience again.
Rebuilding your sense of self
Over time, you rediscover what you like, what you want and what you value. You practise hearing your own voice instead of the critical one you learned.
Calming your nervous system
If you are always on alert, a therapist can teach grounding and calming skills. Where trauma symptoms are strong, approaches like trauma-focused therapy or EMDR may help. Learn more on our page about trauma and PTSD counselling.
Setting boundaries and staying safe
Your counsellor can help you plan how to set limits, reduce contact or go no contact if that's right for you. If you share children, they can help you think through communication that keeps you as calm and protected as possible.
Healthier relationships ahead
Therapy can help you notice early red flags, trust the people who treat you well and build relationships that feel safe.
Small steps you can take now
Healing starts before you ever sit down with a counsellor. These small steps can help you feel steadier.
Write things down. Keep private notes of what was said and done, with dates. Store them somewhere the other person can't reach. Notes help when you start to doubt your memory.
Reach out to one safe person. Choose a friend or family member who listens without judging. You don't have to tell them everything at once.
Notice your body. Tight shoulders, a knot in your stomach or holding your breath can be clues that something isn't okay.
Do one thing just for you. A walk, a song you love or an old hobby can remind you who you are.
Be kind to yourself. You did not cause this. Leaving, staying or not being sure yet does not make you weak.
If you are thinking about leaving and worry about your safety, a helpline can help you make a safety plan first.
What about couples counselling?
When one partner is using control, fear or abuse, couples counselling is usually not the best first step. It can feel unsafe to speak honestly with that person in the room. Individual counselling is often the safer place to start. A counsellor can help you decide what makes sense for your situation.
Getting help today
You don't have to be sure it's "abuse" to reach out. If something feels wrong, that is reason enough.
Assaulted Women's Helpline: 1-866-863-0511, 24/7, or #SAFE (#7233) from Bell, Rogers, Fido or Telus mobiles
Women's Crisis Services of Waterloo Region: 519-742-5894 (Kitchener-Waterloo) or 519-653-2422 (Cambridge)
9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline: call or text 9-8-8, any time
Here 24/7 (Waterloo Region): 1-844-437-3247
Ottawa Mental Health Crisis Line: 613-722-6914 (ages 16 and up)
YSB crisis line (Ottawa youth): 613-260-2360
In an emergency: call 911
Our team also offers counselling for survivors of violence, in person and online.
Frequently asked questions
Can men experience narcissistic abuse?
Yes. Anyone can experience emotional abuse, whatever their gender, age or sexuality. It can happen in friendships, families and workplaces as well as romantic relationships.
Can narcissistic abuse cause PTSD?
Long-term abuse can lead to trauma symptoms, including those of PTSD or complex PTSD. Only a qualified professional, such as a psychologist, can diagnose these. Our psychologists can assess and diagnose PTSD and complex PTSD.
Do I need a referral to see a counsellor?
No. You can book directly, and there are evening and weekend appointments. Sessions are available at our offices in Waterloo, Kitchener, Cambridge and Ottawa, or online across Ontario.
Take the first step
You deserve to feel safe and to trust yourself again. When you're ready, book a free 15-minute consultation with our team. We'll listen, answer your questions and help you find a counsellor who fits.