Passive aggressive behaviour is a pattern of showing anger or resentment indirectly, saying one thing and doing another, instead of saying what is wrong. It can strain closeness at home and make work feel tense. This article explains common examples, why the pattern shows up and how to respond without making it worse.
What passive aggressive behaviour means
Mayo Clinic describes this as a pattern of showing negative feelings in a roundabout way. There is a gap between what a person says and what they do. It is not seen as a distinct mental illness. It can still hurt relationships and make work harder.
This is a pattern description, not a diagnosis of you, your partner or a coworker. People can slip into it under stress and still change how they handle conflict.
The hard part is the mixed message. You hear “it’s fine,” and then you meet delay, a cold tone or a pointed joke. You are left guessing, which often creates more tension, not less.
Common examples of passive aggressive behaviour
Passive aggressive behavior examples can look ordinary. Common ones include:
Saying “I’m fine” in a cold tone
Sarcasm or a compliment with a sting in it
Agreeing to something, then not doing it
“Forgetting” a task on purpose
Putting off shared work
Sulking, or going quiet instead of saying what is wrong
Leaving hints instead of asking
Jokes at your expense in front of other people
One of these moments does not prove a pattern. Look at what happens over time, and at whether a direct question leads to a real answer.
The silent treatment can be part of this picture. Our silent treatment guide looks at that in more depth. This article will not repeat that ground.
Passive aggressive behaviour in relationships
Passive aggressive behaviour in relationships often shows up around chores, money, plans and family. A passive aggressive partner may agree to a plan and then drag their feet, or agree in the room and undo it later in small ways.
Over time, you may stop asking clearly because you expect a side door answer. Closeness suffers when you have to decode every mood. You can care about the person and still need more directness.
This pattern can sit beside other harsh habits in a conflict. Our article on the Gottman four horsemen explains those patterns more fully. This post will not re-explain that list.
You might notice it most at the end of a long day, when a simple request turns into a cold yes. Or you might notice it in a group, when a joke lands as a jab and then gets waved off as humour. Both can leave you unsure whether to speak up.
Resentment that never gets named often feeds the cycle. The work is to bring the real issue into the open, when it is safe to do so, rather than letting hints pile up.
Why people act passive aggressive
People often learn this pattern when direct conflict felt unsafe. Fear of rejection, fear of anger, a sense of having little power or old resentment that was never voiced can all play a part. None of that excuses the behaviour.
Researchers have also looked at how this pattern shows up between people. In one study of people starting treatment, Laverdiere and colleagues found that a stronger pattern went with more strain in relationships. That is a general finding. It is not a diagnosis of anyone in your life.
Understanding the why can make a calmer response more possible. It does not mean you have to accept being left in the dark.
How to respond without making it worse
How to deal with passive aggressive people starts with not matching the hint with another hint. Try the following:
Stay calm, and do not mirror the sarcasm or the sulk
Name the behaviour, not the person: “I noticed you said you were fine, and you still seem upset”
Ask about the feeling underneath
Ask for a direct request: “Can you tell me what you need from me?”
Set a clear boundary and follow through, such as not chasing a conversation that has shut down
Pick a calmer moment, not the heat of the exchange
If you get a real answer, even an imperfect one, thank them for being direct and deal with the actual issue. If the door stays closed, you can repeat the invitation once and then stop pushing in that moment.
You do not have to solve everything in one talk. A clear request, a pause and a later follow-up often work better than a long speech in the heat of the moment. If you feel unsafe, skip the tips and get support first.
Passive aggressive behaviour at work is often best met with specifics. Stick to the task, the deadline and what was agreed, and confirm plans in writing when that helps. If the pattern crosses into bullying, our workplace bullying article may be useful. This post will not tell you what to say to an employer or how to use a formal process.
If you notice it in yourself
If you catch yourself hinting, sulking or agreeing when you mean no, pause. That pause is already a change. Name the feeling to yourself first: left out, overloaded, angry, hurt. You can feel all of those things and still choose a clearer sentence.
Then try one direct sentence, such as “I felt left out when the plans changed, and I would like to be asked next time.” Ask for one thing. You do not have to solve the whole relationship in that sentence.
Our article on conflict avoidance in relationships looks at what happens when hard talks keep getting postponed. Directness can feel risky at first. A short, specific sentence is still a start.
If indirect hostility comes with threats, intimidation, control or fear, it is not just a communication style. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. Couples counselling is not a good fit when one partner is afraid.
If you are thinking about suicide or hurting yourself, call or text 9-8-8 now. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 911.
How counselling can help
Individual counselling can help you practise direct, calm expression. It can also help you look at what makes conflict feel risky. Couples counselling can help when both partners want to change the pattern and it feels safe to sit together. For online couples sessions, both partners must be in Ontario during the session. They may join from different places.
You can start with help for yourself even if the other person is not ready. A first conversation with us is a chance to sort out whether individual support, couples support or both would fit.
If indirect conflict is wearing down a relationship, book a free 15 minute consultation and we can help you find a more direct, calmer way through it.
Your next step
You can book a free 15-minute consultation with our admin team. It is a chance to explain what you are looking for, ask questions and discuss current options. You do not have to know which therapy approach to request.
We offer counselling at our Kitchener-Waterloo, Cambridge and Ottawa offices and online. Ask about the option that fits your needs. The consultation is not a therapy session or crisis service, and booking it does not commit you to ongoing appointments.
If you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 911. If you are thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8, any time.
Last reviewed: November 2026
Sources
Mayo Clinic. Passive-aggressive behavior: What are the red flags? https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/expert-answers/passive-aggressive-behavior/faq-20057901
Laverdiere O, Ogrodniczuk JS, et al. Interpersonal problems associated with a passive-aggressive pattern. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 2019. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31503178/