You check their profile again. You replay a two-minute conversation all evening, looking for hidden meaning in every word. A text from them can make your whole day, and silence can wreck it. If this sounds familiar, you may be in limerence. Limerence is an intense, longing kind of attraction to one person that can take over your thoughts. It is not a diagnosis, and it is not a sign that something is wrong with you. With some understanding and support, it can ease.
This post is general information, not medical advice or a diagnosis.
What is limerence?
Limerence is a word for a strong, often one-sided longing for a specific person. The person you long for is sometimes called the "limerent object." The term was first described in 1979 by the psychologist Dorothy Tennov (see the APA Dictionary of Psychology in Sources).
Today, limerence is both a popular word and a research term. It is not a mental health diagnosis. Researchers describe it as something that happens on a range, from a mild, passing crush to an intense state that gets in the way of daily life.
In the largest study of limerence so far, 1,647 people answered questions about their experiences (Evans and colleagues, 2026, see Sources). For many, limerence first started around age 18 and came back several times in adulthood, about five episodes on average. Each episode often involved a long fixation on one person, about two years.
Limerence vs love vs a crush
These three can feel alike at first, but they are different.
A crush is a light, hopeful attraction. It may be exciting, but it doesn't take over your life, and it usually fades on its own.
Limerence is more intense. It often comes with intrusive thoughts, strong highs and lows tied to the other person's signals, and a deep need for them to feel the same way.
Love tends to grow over time. It includes knowing the real person, flaws and all, and caring about their well-being, not only about whether they return your feelings.
One study of people's own stories found that limerence can involve both the real person and an idealized version of them that lives in the imagination (Willmott and Bentley, 2015, see Sources). Part of letting go is noticing the gap between the two.
Signs you may be in limerence
You might notice:
You think about the person for much of the day, even when you try not to
You replay small moments and look for "signs" in what they say or do
Your mood rises and falls with their attention
You daydream about a future together, often in great detail
You feel anxious about rejection and may hide your feelings
Other parts of life, like work, sleep or friendships, start to slip
In a smaller part of the same 2026 study, 51 people tracked their thoughts for seven days. Thoughts about the person took up about half of their waking thoughts, and these thoughts were often intrusive and linked with low mood (Evans and colleagues, 2026). The daydreams were strongest during times of sadness and loneliness.
Why limerence takes hold
There is no single cause, and researchers are still learning. In the 2026 study, people who reported limerence also reported more insecure attachment, more hard experiences in childhood and more obsessive thinking traits. These are links, not proof that one causes another.
Uncertainty can play a big part. Mixed signals, distance or a person who is not fully available can keep hope alive and make it hard to move on. If you want to understand how attachment styles shape relationships, our post on anxious vs avoidant attachment explains the basics.
Limerence can also meet a need. The fantasy may offer comfort, excitement, a sense of being wanted or an escape from a hard time. Naming that need can be a powerful first step.
People sometimes link limerence with ADHD or borderline personality disorder online. Limerence is not a diagnosis, and having it does not mean you have either.
Limerence when you are in a relationship
Limerence can happen to people who are already in a committed relationship. This can bring a lot of guilt, confusion and fear.
Having these feelings does not make you a bad person. What matters most is what you do next. It can help to step back from situations that feed the longing and to look honestly at what feels missing, in yourself or in your relationship. If you are worried about where things are heading, our post on emotional affair signs may help you think it through. Couples counselling can also be a safe place to talk about distance in a relationship.
How to get over limerence
Letting go of limerence takes time. These steps can help the intensity fade:
Reduce the cues. Mute or unfollow their social media for now. Each check can restart the cycle of hope and worry.
Stop reading signs. When you catch yourself decoding a look or a message, name it: "I'm searching for signs again." Then gently turn to something else.
Name the need. Ask yourself what the fantasy gives you. Comfort? Excitement? Feeling chosen? Look for other healthy ways to meet that need.
See the real person. Write down what you actually know about them, not what you imagine. This can help close the gap between the real person and the dream.
Rebuild your days. Spend time with friends, return to hobbies and make plans that have nothing to do with them.
Be gentle with yourself. Rejection and longing can hurt. Our post on fear of rejection looks at why rejection can feel so painful.
There will be good days and setbacks. A setback does not mean you are back at the start.
When to talk to someone
It may be time to reach out if:
The longing has lasted months and is not easing
It is affecting your sleep, work, studies or relationships
You feel anxious, low or hopeless much of the time
You find yourself checking on, following or watching the person in ways that worry you
You keep finding yourself in the same painful pattern with new people
If longing turns into checking or following someone, it is time to get support. That is a sign the feelings have become too heavy to carry alone.
If you are thinking about suicide or hurting yourself, call or text 9-8-8 now. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 911.
How counselling can help
Longing this strong is exhausting, and you don't have to untangle it alone. In individual counselling, a therapist can help you understand what is driving the limerence, ease intrusive thoughts and look at old patterns in relationships. You can work on self-worth, on handling uncertainty and on building a life that feels full on its own. If you are in a relationship, couples counselling can help you and your partner talk about what is happening.
We offer counselling at our Kitchener-Waterloo, Cambridge and Ottawa offices and online across Ontario.
Common questions about limerence
What is limerence? It is an intense, often one-sided longing for one person, with intrusive thoughts and strong highs and lows. It is a popular and research term, not a diagnosis.
Is limerence the same as love? Not quite. Limerence is focused on whether the person returns your feelings. Love tends to grow from knowing and caring for the real person over time.
How long does limerence last? It varies from person to person. In one large study, episodes often lasted about two years.
Why can't I stop thinking about someone? Uncertainty, loneliness and a need the fantasy meets can all keep thoughts going. Reducing reminders and naming the need can help.
Cost, billing and your first step
Sessions with our therapists range from $130 to $200, depending on the clinician.
We accept Health Spending Accounts (HSAs).
We can direct bill many insurers. Coverage depends on your plan, so check with your insurer before you start.
Book a free 15-minute consultation with our admin team. Longing this strong is exhausting, and you don't have to untangle it alone.
If you're in crisis: if you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 911. If you're thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night.
Last reviewed: October 2026
Sources
Evans C, Panton SO, Strawson WH, Floyd E, Kellett S, Poerio GL. "Love, longing and obsession: Features, correlates, comorbidities, and real-time cognitive-affective dynamics of limerence." Acta Psychol (Amst). 2026;267:107043. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/42127691/
Willmott L, Bentley E. "Exploring the Lived-Experience of Limerence: A Journey toward Authenticity." The Qualitative Report. 2015. https://doi.org/10.46743/2160-3715/2015.1420
American Psychological Association. "Limerence." APA Dictionary of Psychology. https://dictionary.apa.org/limerence