Maybe you typed "I hate my mom" into a search bar late at night, then felt a wave of guilt. Maybe it was "I hate my dad." Strong anger toward a parent is more common than most people admit. It often sits right next to love, longing and loyalty. This post looks at what can sit underneath those feelings, why mixed feelings are normal, what to do with the anger and how counselling can help, without anyone telling you what you should do about the relationship.
This post is general information, not a diagnosis or advice for your situation. Only a qualified professional can assess what you're going through.
"I hate my mom" (or "I hate my dad"): you are not a bad person
Feeling hate, anger or resentment toward a parent doesn't make you a bad son, daughter or child. These feelings usually grow for a reason. They often come with guilt, because many of us were taught that we must always love and respect our parents.
Everything in this post applies whether the parent is your mom, your dad, a stepparent or another adult who raised you. The details differ, but the mix of anger, guilt and longing is often the same. You may also notice the anger changes over time, flaring at holidays, birthdays or big life events like a wedding or a new baby.
Feelings are information. Anger often points to something that hurt, something that felt unfair or a need that wasn't met. Listening to that anger, instead of pushing it away, is often the first step toward feeling calmer.
If you're a teen and things at home feel too heavy, talk to a trusted adult, like a teacher, school counsellor, coach or relative. If you're thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time. If you're in danger, call 911.
Why do I hate my mom? What can sit underneath
Why do I hate my mom? There's no single answer, and this isn't a blame checklist. Some things that often sit underneath strong anger include:
Old hurts. Things said or done years ago that were never talked about or repaired.
Constant criticism. Feeling that nothing you do is ever good enough.
Control. A parent who makes decisions for you, or still tries to, even as an adult.
Favouritism. Feeling a sibling was loved more or treated better.
Being the parent to your parent. Looking after a parent's feelings or needs when you were the child.
A parent who still oversteps. Comments about your partner, parenting, body, job or choices.
Feeling unseen. Not being known for who you really are.
Sometimes the anger is about the past. Sometimes it's about what keeps happening now. Often it's both.
Mixed feelings about parents are normal
You can love your mom and be furious with her. You can miss your dad and dread his calls. Mixed feelings about parents are very common.
Research backs this up. A 2009 study of adults and their parents found that tensions between them were common, and that more tension went along with more mixed, ambivalent feelings about the relationship. Another study found that these mixed feelings were linked with lower well-being for both adult children and parents. In other words, these feelings are normal, and they can also weigh on you. That's a good reason to give them some care.
What to do with the anger right now
Anger needs somewhere to go. Some ideas that may help:
Name it. Say to yourself, "I'm really angry right now." Naming a feeling can take a bit of its power away.
Write it down. Write a letter you never send. Let it all out on the page.
Notice what sets it off. A certain topic, tone or time of year? Patterns can help you plan.
Pause before calls or visits. Take a few slow breaths, or decide ahead how long you'll stay.
Move your body. A walk, a run or even shaking out your hands can help release tension.
Talk to someone safe. A friend, partner or therapist who will listen without judging.
Resentment toward parents often eases a little when it is truly heard, even if the parent never hears it.
Boundaries short of cutting contact
Boundaries are limits you set to protect your well-being. They're less about changing your parent and more about deciding what you'll do. Some examples:
Keeping visits shorter
Choosing topics you won't discuss, like your weight or your parenting
Ending a call kindly when it turns hurtful: "I'm going to go now. Let's talk another time."
Meeting in public places, or with others around
Taking a few hours or days before replying to a hard message
Our post on setting boundaries with family during the holidays has more ideas that work all year. Some people decide to step back from contact altogether. That's a very personal decision, and it's yours to make in your own time.
If you want to try a different conversation
Some people want to talk with their parent about what hurt. That conversation may be possible if your parent can listen without attacking, and if you feel safe. It may not be possible if past attempts led to rage, denial or punishment.
If you do try, it can help to:
Focus on one or two things, not every hurt at once
Use "I" statements, like "I felt hurt when..."
Decide ahead what you hope for, and what you'll do if it goes badly
Remember, your healing doesn't depend on their agreement. You can make peace with your own story even if your parent never changes or understands.
Grieving the parent you wished for, and when a parent ages or is ill
Underneath anger, there's often grief. Grief for the warm, steady, interested parent you needed and didn't have. It's okay to mourn that.
These feelings can get louder when a parent ages or gets sick. You may feel pressure to care for someone who hurt you. You may feel guilt, or a sense that time is running out. There's no right way to feel here. You don't have to reconcile, and you don't have to feel close to do what you choose to do.
Counselling for a difficult relationship with your mother or father
A difficult relationship with your mother or father can affect your mood, your other relationships and how you see yourself. Counselling gives you a private place to sort through it all.
In individual sessions, a therapist can help you understand where your feelings come from, work through guilt and grief, and plan how to handle contact in a way that fits your values. Some therapists use internal family systems (IFS), which helps you get to know the different "parts" of you, like the part that's angry and the part that still wants your parent's love.
If both you and your parent want to work on things together, family therapy can offer a guided space to talk. It's only one option, and it's never required.
You can see us in Kitchener, Waterloo, Cambridge or Ottawa, or by secure video from anywhere in Ontario.
Cost, billing and your first step
Sessions with our therapists range from $130 to $200, depending on the clinician.
We accept Health Spending Accounts (HSAs).
We can direct bill many insurers. Coverage depends on your plan, so check with your insurer before you start.
Book a free 15-minute consultation with our admin team. Let them know you'd like help with a difficult relationship with a parent, and they'll help you find a good fit.
If you're in crisis: if you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 911. If you're thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night.
Last reviewed: October 2026
Sources
Tensions in the parent and adult child relationship: links to solidarity and ambivalence, Birditt and colleagues, Psychology and Aging, 2009
Ambivalent relationship qualities between adults and their parents: implications for both parties' well-being, Fingerman and colleagues, Journals of Gerontology Series B, 2008