Regret is the painful feeling that things could have gone differently if you had made another choice. Learning how to deal with regret usually means understanding the feeling, being kind to yourself and turning it into a small step forward. You cannot change the past, but you can change how much it weighs on you today.
This post is general information, not medical advice or a diagnosis.
What regret is and why it can hurt so much
Regret is a mix of sadness, frustration and “if only.” It often shows up when we think about choices in work, school, relationships or how we treated someone.
Regret can hurt because it points to things we care about. Research by Neal Roese and Amy Summerville found that people’s biggest regrets tend to be in areas where they saw the most chance for change and growth. Across 11 studies, the top areas were education, career, romance, parenting, the self and leisure (see Sources).
In other words, regret often shows up where our hopes are. That can make it painful, but it can also point the way forward.
Why we replay our regrets
Many people find themselves going over the same regret again and again. You might replay a conversation, a choice or a missed chance late at night.
Our minds do this for a reason. Thinking back can feel like a way to learn, fix things or make sure it never happens again. But after a point, replaying stops helping and starts hurting.
It may help to notice when you are reflecting (learning something new) and when you are looping (going over the same thing without new insight). If it is a loop, gently bring your attention back to the present.
Regret, guilt and shame: how they differ
Regret, guilt and shame can feel alike, but they are not the same.
Regret is wishing you had made a different choice. It can be about anything, even things that only affected you.
Guilt is feeling bad about something you did that hurt someone or went against your values.
Shame is feeling that you are bad, not just that you did something bad.
Learning how to deal with regret and guilt often means taking responsibility where it fits, without sliding into shame. You can own a mistake and still believe you are a person worth caring about.
Regrets about what we did and what we did not do
Some regrets are about things we did. Others are about things we did not do, like a chance we did not take or words we did not say.
Psychologists Thomas Gilovich and Victoria Medvec reviewed research on this. They found that actions tend to cause more regret in the short term, but inactions, or the regret of not doing something, tend to cause more regret in the long run (see Sources).
This can be helpful to know. It suggests that some of our deepest regrets in life are about missed chances, and that taking small brave steps now may matter more than we think.
How to deal with regret, step by step
There is no quick fix for regret, but these steps can help you start to let go.
Name it. Put the regret into words, out loud or on paper. “I regret that I…” Naming a feeling can make it easier to hold.
Allow the feeling. Let yourself feel sad or disappointed without rushing to push it away.
Look at the full picture. Ask what you knew, what you felt and what was going on for you at the time. You may have made the best choice you could with what you had.
Take what is yours. If you hurt someone, think about whether an apology or repair is possible and right.
Be kind to yourself. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend who felt this way. Our post on how to forgive yourself has gentle ideas.
Find the lesson. Ask, “What does this regret show me about what I care about?”
Let it rest. You do not have to solve it today. Give yourself permission to set it down for now.
Learning how to let go of regrets from the past is often a slow process. It is okay if it takes time.
Turning regret into a next step
Regret can become a guide instead of a weight. Once you know what the regret is pointing to, you can ask what small step you could take now.
For example:
If you regret not keeping in touch with a friend, you could send a short message.
If you regret not trying something, you could look for a small way to try it now.
If you regret how you spoke to someone, you could find a time to apologize.
Not every regret can be fixed. Some chances have passed. In those cases, the next step might be to honour what you learned and live a little more by your values today.
Self-compassion can help with this. Our post on self-compassion explains how to treat yourself with care.
When regret is part of something bigger
Sometimes regret is about one choice. Other times, it is part of a wider pattern of feeling stuck, low or hopeless.
You may want to talk to someone if:
You think about the same regret most days for weeks or months
It keeps you from sleeping, working or enjoying things
You feel like you cannot move forward with your life
You feel hopeless or worthless
Ongoing regret can be one sign of depression or anxiety. Only a qualified professional can say for sure. Reaching out is a strong step, not a weak one.
Learning how to stop living in regret can be easier with support.
If you are thinking about suicide or hurting yourself, call or text 9-8-8 now. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 911.
How counselling can help
Counselling gives you a safe place to talk about your regrets without judgment. A therapist can help you:
Understand why a regret keeps coming back
Separate regret, guilt and shame
Practise self-compassion
Turn regret into values-based next steps
Approaches like acceptance and commitment therapy can help you make room for painful feelings while moving toward what matters to you. Learn more about our ACT counselling
We offer counselling at our Kitchener-Waterloo, Cambridge and Ottawa offices, and online across Ontario. Every clinician on our team is registered with their college.
Common questions about how to deal with regret
How do you deal with regret? Name it, allow the feeling, look at the full picture, be kind to yourself and look for a small next step.
Why do I keep thinking about my regrets? Your mind may be trying to learn or fix something. When it becomes a loop, it can help to gently return to the present.
What is the difference between regret and guilt? Regret is wishing you had chosen differently. Guilt is feeling bad about something that hurt someone or went against your values.
Do people regret what they did or what they did not do? Research suggests actions cause more regret in the short term, and inactions cause more regret in the long run.
When should I talk to someone about regret? If it lasts for weeks, affects daily life or leaves you feeling hopeless, it may help to reach out.
Billing and your first step
We accept Health Spending Accounts (HSAs).
We can direct bill many insurers. Coverage depends on your plan, so check with your insurer before you start.
If a past choice keeps pulling you back, book a free 15-minute consultation and we can help you make peace with it and move forward.
If you’re in crisis: if you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 911. If you’re thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night.
Last reviewed: October 2026
Sources
Gilovich T, Medvec VH. “The experience of regret: what, when, and why.” Psychological Review. 1995;102(2):379-95. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/7740094/
Roese NJ, Summerville A. “What we regret most… and why.” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 2005;31(9):1273-85. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16055646/