You share a home, a calendar and maybe a mortgage, but some nights it feels like you are living with a roommate. You talk about groceries and pickups, not about what is really on your mind. Many couples go through seasons like this. Emotional intimacy is the sense of being truly known and understood by your partner, and the good news is that it can grow again. This post explains what emotional intimacy means, everyday examples, how it differs from physical intimacy, signs it may be fading, and simple ways to build closeness.
This post is general information, not a diagnosis or relationship advice for your situation. If you're worried about your relationship, a counsellor can help.
What is emotional intimacy?
Emotional intimacy is feeling close to your partner on the inside. It means you can share your real thoughts and feelings, and trust that your partner will listen and care.
The APA Dictionary of Psychology describes intimacy as a state of deep emotional closeness. It says intimacy depends on partners having a detailed knowledge or deep understanding of each other.
This is true for every kind of couple. Emotional intimacy matters in relationships of any gender or sexual orientation, whether you are dating, living together or married for decades.
Examples of emotional intimacy
Emotional intimacy usually lives in small, everyday moments, not grand gestures. Here are some examples:
Telling your partner about a worry before it turns into a big deal
Your partner remembering that today was your hard meeting, and asking how it went
Laughing about an inside joke only the two of you get
Saying "I felt hurt when that happened" and being heard
Sitting together in silence and feeling at ease
Sharing a dream for the future, even a silly one
Feeling safe to cry, or to say "I don't know"
None of these cost money or take much time. They are about attention and trust.
How emotional intimacy grows
Researchers Laurenceau, Barrett and Pietromonaco studied how intimacy builds day to day. In their diary studies, people felt more intimacy when they shared about themselves and their partner shared too. Part of that closeness came from feeling understood. Sharing feelings was linked with intimacy more than sharing facts.
In plain words, it goes like this:
One person shares something real.
The other person responds with interest and care.
The first person feels understood.
Each time this happens, trust grows a little. Over time, small moments of sharing and caring add up to a strong bond.
Emotional intimacy vs physical intimacy
Physical intimacy is closeness through touch, like hugs, holding hands and sex. Emotional intimacy is closeness through sharing and understanding. The two often support each other. Many people find that feeling emotionally close makes physical closeness feel easier and more natural. Some couples are strong in one and want more of the other. Both are worth talking about kindly and openly.
Signs emotional intimacy is fading in your relationship or marriage
Emotional intimacy in marriage and long relationships can slowly fade, often without anyone meaning it to. Signs might include:
Most talk is about logistics, like bills, chores and schedules
Feeling lonely even when you are together
Keeping worries to yourself because sharing feels risky or pointless
Avoiding hard topics to keep the peace
Small hurts that never get talked about
Spending evenings side by side on separate screens
Some arguing styles can wear down closeness over time, like criticism or shutting down. Our post on the Gottman four horsemen explains these patterns and what to try instead.
What gets in the way
Lots of normal things can push emotional intimacy aside:
Stress. Work, money or health worries can leave little energy for each other.
Kids and caregiving. Busy seasons can make you feel like a team, but not a couple.
Screens. Phones can fill the quiet moments where talking used to happen.
Old hurts. Unresolved fights can make you guard your feelings.
Fear of being vulnerable. Opening up can feel risky, especially if you were hurt before.
None of this means your relationship is broken. It means it may need some care and attention.
It can also help to remember that closeness comes and goes in every relationship. A new baby, a move, a job change or an illness can pull your focus away for months. That is normal. What matters most is noticing the drift and choosing to turn back toward each other.
How to build emotional intimacy with your partner
Building emotional intimacy doesn't need a big plan. Try a few small steps:
Do a daily check-in. Ask, "What was the best and hardest part of your day?" and really listen.
Ask curious questions. Try "What's been on your mind lately?" or "What are you looking forward to?"
Share one feeling. Name one feeling each day, like "I felt proud today" or "I felt left out."
Listen without fixing. Sometimes your partner just wants to be heard, not helped.
Make small repairs. After a tense moment, say "I'm sorry I snapped. Can we start over?"
Protect time together. Set aside even 15 minutes a few times a week with no phones.
Start small and keep it light at first. If one of you is not used to talking about feelings, a few honest words can feel like a lot. Thank your partner when they open up, even a little. That makes it more likely they will share again. You can also try sharing a happy memory, a fear about the future, or something you love about your partner. Kind words are a simple way to feel close.
If you try these steps and it still feels hard, that's okay. It doesn't mean you failed. It may mean there are hurts or fears that need more care, and a counsellor can help with that.
In a new relationship, go slowly and share a little more as trust grows. In a long distance relationship, regular video calls and sharing small daily moments can help you feel close across the miles.
A safety note: if your partner frightens you, controls you or hurts you, building closeness is not the first step. Your safety is. Individual counselling can be a private place to talk about what is happening.
If you are thinking about suicide or hurting yourself, call or text 9-8-8 now. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 911.
How couples counselling can help
Sometimes it is hard to rebuild closeness on your own, especially if old hurts keep getting in the way. Couples counselling gives you both a calm place to talk and be heard.
Many of our couples therapists use Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT). It looks at the feelings and needs underneath the same old arguments. A research review by Wiebe and Johnson describes EFT as a short, research-based couple therapy grounded in attachment, the bond between partners. Every couple is different, and your therapist will work with your goals. In sessions, you may learn to spot the cycle you get stuck in and to share what you really need in a way your partner can hear.
Online couples sessions are an option too. You can join from different places, as long as you are both in Ontario during the session. Our post on online couples therapy in Ontario explains how it works.
You can see us in Kitchener, Waterloo, Cambridge or Ottawa, or by secure video from anywhere in Ontario.
Cost, billing and your first step
We accept Health Spending Accounts (HSAs).
We can direct bill many insurers. Coverage depends on your plan, so check with your insurer before you start.
Book a free 15-minute consultation with our admin team. Let them know you'd like help with emotional intimacy, and they'll help you find a good fit.
If you're in crisis: if you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 911. If you're thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night.
Last reviewed: October 2026
Sources
Intimacy, APA Dictionary of Psychology
Intimacy as an interpersonal process: the importance of self-disclosure, partner disclosure, and perceived partner responsiveness in interpersonal exchanges, Laurenceau, Barrett and Pietromonaco, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1998
A review of the research in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, Wiebe and Johnson, Family Process, 2016