Your partner looks up from their phone and says, "Wow, look at this sunset." You can look up and say, "Oh, that is beautiful." You can grunt and keep scrolling. Or you can snap, "I am busy." It seems like a tiny moment. But moments like this are what relationship experts call bids for connection, and the way we answer them, again and again, shapes how close we feel. This post explains what bids for connection are, the three ways people respond, why bids get missed and how to notice, make and repair them.
This post is general information, not couples therapy or relationship advice for your specific situation.
What are bids for connection?
A bid for connection is any attempt to get attention, interest, affection or support from another person. The term comes from the work of psychologist John Gottman, who studied couples for many years. You can read more about his approach in our post on what the Gottman Method is.
Bids can be big or small. Most are small. Here are some everyday examples:
"Guess what happened at work today."
A hand on your shoulder as they walk by.
Sending you a funny video.
"Do you want to grab coffee this weekend?"
A sigh, followed by, "Long day."
Asking for help with a jar lid.
Under the words, the real message is often, "Will you be with me in this moment?" Emotional bids in relationships are not always clear. A sigh can be a bid. So can a question about the weather. Learning to spot them is a skill.
Turning toward, turning away and turning against
Gottman described three ways people tend to respond to a bid.
Turning toward. You notice the bid and respond with some interest. It does not have to be big. "Ha, that is funny." "Oh no, what happened?" Looking up and making eye contact counts too.
Turning away. You miss the bid or ignore it. You keep reading. You change the subject. Most of the time this is not on purpose. People are busy, tired or distracted.
Turning against. You respond with irritation or a put down. "Can you not see I am working?" "Why would I care about that?"
Turning toward bids does not mean dropping everything every time. It means that, more often than not, your partner feels noticed.
Why small moments matter
It is easy to think the big things make or break a relationship. Holidays, anniversaries, the hard talks. But much of closeness is built in small, ordinary moments.
Research on partner responsiveness backs this up. Responsiveness means feeling that your partner understands, values and cares for you. A 10 year study of more than 2,000 married adults in the United States found that people who saw their partner as more responsive had greater well being, in the sense of meaning and personal growth, a decade later (Selcuk and colleagues, see Sources).
Another set of studies found that when people felt their partner was responsive, they were more likely to share affectionate touch. That touch, in turn, made the partner see the touch giver as more responsive the next day (Jolink and colleagues, see Sources). Small moments can build on each other.
A third study looked at how dating partners respond when the other shares good news. Active and constructive replies, meaning warm, interested and engaged, were linked with more relationship satisfaction (De Netto and colleagues, see Sources).
None of this means one missed bid will ruin anything. It means the pattern over time matters.
Why bids get missed
If you have been missing bids, you are not a bad partner. There are many common reasons:
Distraction. Phones, screens, work and kids pull attention all day.
Stress. When you are stretched thin, you have less room for small talk.
Unclear bids. A sigh or a hint is easy to miss. Some people make bids so quietly that their partner does not notice.
Different styles. One person bids with words, the other with actions. They may not see each other's bids as bids.
Old hurt. After a lot of missed bids, some people stop bidding to protect themselves. Others start bidding with criticism, like "You never listen to me."
Past experiences. If your feelings were often ignored growing up, it can be hard to make bids or trust that they will land.
Sometimes a "nag" is really a bid in disguise. "You never want to do anything with me" may mean "I miss you."
How to notice, make and repair bids
Notice more bids. For a week, try to spot the small ways your partner reaches for you. Write a few down if it helps. Many people are surprised at how many there are.
Turn toward in small ways. A look, a nod, a short reply or a question. "Tell me more." You do not need a long talk every time.
When you cannot respond, say so kindly. "I want to hear this. Can you give me ten minutes to finish this email?" Then come back. That is still turning toward.
Make clearer bids. If your bids often get missed, try being more direct. Instead of sighing, say, "I had a hard day. Can we sit together for a bit?" Our post on I statements has simple ways to say what you need without blame.
Repair after a missed bid. Everyone misses bids. What matters is coming back. "Earlier when you showed me that photo, I brushed you off. Sorry. Can I see it now?" Repair can turn a miss into a moment of closeness.
Notice your own bids too. Are you reaching for your partner, or waiting for them to reach first? Small bids from both sides keep the connection going.
These steps work in friendships and families too, not only with romantic partners. A parent who looks up when a teen mentions a song, or a friend who replies to a quick text with a real question, is turning toward. The same small habit builds trust in every kind of close relationship.
Go easy on yourself while you practise. You will still miss some bids. Every time you notice one, even late, you are building the skill.
When it may be more than missed bids
Sometimes missed bids are part of a bigger pattern. You might notice:
You feel lonely in your relationship most of the time.
Bids from either of you are often met with criticism or coldness.
One of you has stopped reaching out at all.
Small missed moments turn into big fights.
You feel more like roommates than partners.
If this sounds familiar, couples counselling can help. A counsellor can help you both see your patterns, understand what each of you needs and practise new ways of responding. You can learn more on our couples therapy and marriage counselling page. Individual counselling can help too, if your partner is not ready to join.
Cost, billing and your first step
Sessions with our therapists range from $130 to $200, depending on the clinician.
We accept Health Spending Accounts (HSAs).
We can direct bill many insurers. Coverage depends on your plan, so check with your insurer before you start.
Book a free 15-minute consultation with our admin team. We can help you find a counsellor for couples or individual sessions, in person or online.
If you're in crisis: if you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 911. If you're thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night.
Last reviewed: October 2026
Sources
Jolink, T. A., and colleagues. "Perceived Partner Responsiveness Forecasts Behavioral Intimacy as Measured by Affectionate Touch." Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 2021. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8801651/
De Netto, P. M., and colleagues. "Communication, the Heart of a Relationship: Examining Capitalization, Accommodation, and Self-Construal on Relationship Satisfaction." Frontiers in Psychology. 2021. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8710473/
Selcuk, E., and colleagues. "Does Partner Responsiveness Predict Hedonic and Eudaimonic Well-Being? A 10-Year Longitudinal Study." Journal of Marriage and Family. 2016. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5458635/