You love your baby. You also miss who you were. If you feel both at once, you're not ungrateful, and you're not alone. Matrescence is a word for the big change in identity that can come with becoming a parent. It's a normal life transition, not a disorder. This post explains what it means, why it can shake your sense of self, how it differs from postpartum depression and small ways to find yourself again.
This post is general information, not medical advice or a diagnosis.
What matrescence means
Matrescence describes the transition into motherhood. It's often compared to adolescence, another time when the body, mind and sense of self all change at once.
Researchers describe the move into motherhood as a major life event that brings changes in the body, the brain and daily life (Orchard and colleagues, 2023, see Sources). Others describe becoming, or deciding whether to become, a parent as a normal step in adult development (Athan, 2020, see Sources).
The key idea is this: it's a transition, not a problem to fix. You're becoming someone new, and that takes time.
Why becoming a parent can shake your sense of self
Before your baby, you may have had a clear sense of who you were. You had your work, your hobbies, your friends and your routines.
Then almost everything changes. Your days revolve around feeding, sleeping and caring. Your priorities shift. Your free time shrinks. People may start to see you mainly as a parent.
It's natural to feel unsure of who you are in the middle of all that. Feeling a bit lost is part of the change, not a sign that something is wrong with you.
Body, brain and role changes, in plain words
Becoming a parent can bring changes in many parts of life:
Sleep. Broken nights can affect mood, focus and patience.
Body. Pregnancy, birth and feeding can change how your body looks and feels.
Brain. Research reviews describe brain changes in pregnancy and early parenting, which researchers are still working to understand (Orchard and colleagues, 2023, see Sources).
Priorities. What feels important may shift.
Friendships. Some friendships grow closer, others drift.
Work. Your feelings about work may change.
Relationship. Your partnership may feel different as you both take on new roles.
Each of these is a lot on its own. Together, they can feel huge.
Loss of identity after baby, and why it is so common
Many new parents say, "I don't know who I am anymore." It's one of the most common feelings in early parenthood.
Part of it is time. You may not have room for the things that made you feel like you. Part of it is change. Some old parts of you may not fit the way they used to, and new parts are still forming.
It can help to think of this as a season. You are not losing yourself forever. You're in the middle of becoming.
Mixed feelings are normal
You can love your baby and still miss your old life. You can feel joy and grief in the same hour. You can feel grateful and also bored, tired or resentful.
These mixed feelings are normal. They don't mean you're a bad parent. They mean you're human and going through a big change.
If guilt is weighing on you, our post on mom guilt talks about where it comes from and how to ease it.
Matrescence for every kind of parent
The word matrescence is about mothers, but identity shifts can happen for every kind of parent. Partners, fathers, adoptive parents, foster parents and queer and trans parents can all go through big changes in how they see themselves. Some people use the word "patrescence" for fathers.
Athan (2020) describes reproductive identity as something that matters for people of all genders and family types, including 2SLGBTQ+ people (see Sources). However you became a parent, your feelings about this change are valid.
Matrescence or postpartum depression?
This is one of the most important parts of this post. Matrescence is a normal change. Postpartum depression is a mood condition that needs support.
The US National Institute of Mental Health describes perinatal depression as a mood disorder that can happen during pregnancy and after birth (see Sources). It notes that mild mood changes in the first two weeks, often called the "baby blues", are common. Mood changes that are severe or last longer than two weeks may be signs of postpartum depression.
Identity change usually looks like:
Feeling unsure of who you are
Missing your old life
Mixed feelings that come and go
Still finding moments of joy and connection
Signs that you may need support now include:
Sad, anxious or empty mood most of the day, nearly every day, for two weeks or more
Losing interest in things you used to enjoy
Feeling hopeless, worthless or guilty most of the time
Trouble bonding with your baby
Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby
If you notice these signs, reach out to a counsellor. Our post on CBT for postpartum depression explains one way counselling can help. If you have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, call or text 9-8-8 now. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911.
Finding yourself again, small steps
You don't need to get back to the old you. You can make room for the new you. A few small steps:
Do one thing that is yours. Ten minutes of reading, a walk alone or a hobby you love.
Talk honestly with your partner. Share how you feel and what you need.
Stay in touch with a friend. Even a short text can help you feel like yourself.
Let the new you be unfinished. You don't have to have it all figured out.
Rest when you can. Sleep and food affect how you feel about everything.
Small steps add up. Over time, many parents find a sense of self that holds both who they were and who they are now.
Common questions about matrescence
Is matrescence a diagnosis? No. It's a word for a normal life transition.
Does it affect fathers and partners? Identity shifts can affect every kind of parent.
When should I get support? Any time you want it. Reach out right away if you notice signs of depression or have thoughts of harm.
If you are thinking about suicide or hurting yourself, call or text 9-8-8 now. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 911.
How counselling can help
A counsellor can help you make sense of the changes, ease guilt and grief and find your footing as a parent. Counselling can also help if you're dealing with postpartum depression or anxiety.
Our prenatal and postpartum counselling page explains how we support parents. Sessions are available at our Kitchener-Waterloo, Cambridge and Ottawa offices and online across Ontario.
Cost, billing and your first step
Sessions with our therapists range from $130 to $200, depending on the clinician.
We accept Health Spending Accounts (HSAs).
We can direct bill many insurers. Coverage depends on your plan, so check with your insurer before you start.
Book a free 15-minute consultation with our admin team. If becoming a parent has left you wondering who you are now, a counsellor can help you make room for the new you.
If you're in crisis: if you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 911. If you're thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night.
Last reviewed: October 2026
Sources
Orchard ER, Rutherford HJV, Holmes AJ, Jamadar SD. "Matrescence: lifetime impact of motherhood on cognition and the brain." Trends Cogn Sci. 2023;27(3):302-316 (erratum: Trends Cogn Sci. 2023;27(10):974). https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9957969/
Athan AM. "Reproductive identity: An emerging concept." Am Psychol. 2020;75(4):445-456. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32378941/
National Institute of Mental Health. "Perinatal Depression." https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/perinatal-depression
Centre for Addiction and Mental Health. "Postpartum depression." https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/mental-illness-and-addiction-index/postpartum-depression