"I must nail this." Picture that sentence running through your head most of Sunday night. The laptop is open at the kitchen table. A text to a friend has gone unanswered since Thursday. Tomorrow there's a presentation. The other thoughts follow in their usual order. He should have replied by now. This cannot be how the year goes.
If you've ever searched how to stop irrational thoughts, you probably recognize the sentences, if not the details. This article walks through what those thoughts are, and what working on them with a cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) counsellor tends to look like, week by week. The weeks below are an example of a typical path, not a fixed program. Everyone moves at their own pace.
The situation, a life full of musts and shoulds
Say you're good at your job and exhausted by it. Every task carries a demand attached. I must not make a mistake. My manager must notice. My partner should know what I need without being told. Traffic should not be this bad. When any of those demands isn't met, which is most days, the feeling that follows is somewhere between fury and despair.
The psychologist Albert Ellis had a blunt name for this pattern of musts and shoulds. He argued that much of our distress doesn't come from events themselves but from the rigid demands we lay over them. His approach, rational emotive behaviour therapy, helped shape CBT. Common irrational beliefs sound like this:
I must succeed at everything that matters, or I'm a failure.
People must treat me fairly, or they're terrible.
Life must go the way I planned, or it's unbearable.
I can't stand it when things go wrong.
Why does the world not meet my expectations? Because the expectations are demands dressed up as facts. The world was never going to cooperate with a "must". People act on their own reasons. Weather, traffic, illness and other people's moods don't take requests. A preference can be disappointed and survived. A demand, when it isn't met, feels like a catastrophe. That's the difference the next six weeks are about.
Wondering whether this kind of work fits your situation? Book a free 15-minute consultation and we'll help you figure it out.
What the first session covers
The first hour isn't about fixing anything. The counsellor asks you to tell the story of a recent bad day, start to finish, and then slows it down. What happened? What went through your mind at that exact moment? What did you feel, and how strongly? What did you do next?
Out of that comes a simple map. An event, the belief laid over it, and the emotional consequence. The unanswered text is the event. "He should have replied, and the fact he hasn't means he's done with me" is the belief. The sinking dread is the consequence. You may have always assumed the text caused the dread. Seeing the belief sitting in the middle is often the first real shift.
The session also covers what the work won't be. The counsellor won't argue you out of anything, won't hand over a list of affirmations, and won't pretend the presentation doesn't matter. Homework is small. Catch three "must" or "should" sentences before next week and write them down, along with the feeling that came with each. That's it.
Weeks two to six, catching and testing the thought
Week two, the thought record
You arrive with the three sentences and a surprise. There were far more than three. Catching them is a skill, and it gets faster with practice. The counsellor introduces a thought record, a written page that asks for the situation, the automatic thought, the emotion, the evidence for and against, and a more balanced thought. It can feel tedious. Do it anyway.
Week three, challenging the thought
Week three is about thought challenging, and the questions are always the same. What's the evidence this is true? What else could explain it? What would I tell a friend who said this to me? Is this a fact or a demand? "He should have replied" gets rewritten as "I'd prefer a reply, and I don't know why there isn't one yet." Smaller word, much smaller feeling.
Week four, experiments
Week four brings experiments. If the belief is "I must reread every email five times or I'll be humiliated", the test is to send one after a single read and see what actually happens. Usually, nothing happens. That's data, and you start collecting it.
Weeks five and six, humour and acceptance
Weeks five and six add two softer tools. Humour, because a thought said in a cartoon voice loses some of its authority. And acceptance, because some "musts" point at things nobody controls. The presentation might land badly. The friend might be drifting. Those are possible, and they're survivable, and the energy spent demanding otherwise can go somewhere useful. By week six the loop is clear: catch the thought, name the demand, test it, replace it with a preference, repeat.
What progress looks like
Progress isn't silence in your head. You'll still have the thoughts. Three things change. They come less often. They lose their grip faster. And you catch them sooner, sometimes in the same breath.
Maybe the presentation goes fine. Maybe the friend replies eventually, with an apology about a rough week. Neither outcome is the point. The point is that you spent the waiting time working and sleeping rather than rehearsing disaster. Recovery time after a setback starts to shrink. Your partner may notice fewer arguments about things that "should" have gone differently. That's what CBT progress often looks like from the outside: a person who's easier to be around, because they're easier on themselves.
If your version of this is replaying the same worry over and over, our article on how to stop ruminating covers that loop.
How to stop irrational thoughts, and what CBT will not fix
It won't make the world fair. Your manager may still overlook you. The traffic on Highway 401 will still be bad. Thought work changes your relationship to those facts, not the facts.
It won't switch thoughts off. Anyone promising a quiet mind is selling something. The goal is thoughts that pass through rather than thoughts that take over.
It won't fix a situation that's genuinely harmful. If the belief is "my boss should stop yelling at me", the belief isn't the problem. The yelling is. Testing a thought is not the same as tolerating mistreatment, and a good counsellor will say so.
And it won't work well on thoughts that aren't beliefs at all. Some of what looks irrational is something else wearing the same clothes.
When thoughts need a different approach
Trauma. An intrusive image of a car crash isn't a "must" statement you can dispute. It's a memory that hasn't been processed, and it often needs trauma-focused therapy rather than a thought record.
Grief. "She should still be here" is not a distortion. It's love with nowhere to go, and arguing with it would be cruel.
OCD. Some intrusive thoughts belong to OCD, where arguing with the content can feed the loop instead of ending it. OCD usually calls for a different kind of CBT called exposure and response prevention.
Heavy depression. When getting out of bed is the whole day's work, small behavioural steps often come before thought work.
Getting CBT in Ontario
If cost is the barrier, Ontario Structured Psychotherapy offers free, publicly funded CBT for adults 18 and older with depression and anxiety-related concerns, and you can refer yourself.
Our team also offers CBT counselling for negative thoughts and anxiety, in person in Waterloo, Kitchener, Cambridge and Ottawa, or by video anywhere in Ontario. Sessions with our therapists are $130 to $200, and there is a one-time $50 setup fee. In many cases we can bill your insurance directly, depending on your plan and your therapist, and nobody has to refer you.
Frequently asked questions
How long does CBT take to work?
It depends on the person and the problem. Some people notice changes within a few weeks of practising, while others take longer. Your counsellor will check progress with you along the way.
Can I do CBT on my own?
You can learn some of the tools, like thought records, on your own. Working with a counsellor helps you spot patterns you can't see from the inside and keeps you going when it gets hard.
If your thoughts have turned to not wanting to be here, please reach out now. Call or text 9-8-8 any time. In Waterloo Region, call Here 24/7 at 1-844-437-3247. In Ottawa, call the Mental Health Crisis Line at 613-722-6914. In an emergency, call 911.
Taking the first step
Our team offers a free 15-minute consultation so you can ask about CBT before you commit to anything.