One day you are sure you want out. The next day you remember why you fell in love, and you are not sure at all. If you keep going back and forth, you may be wondering how to know when to leave a relationship. There is no quiz that can answer that for you. But there are ways to sort out your feelings so the choice becomes clearer. This post walks through them, gently and without telling you what to decide.
This post is general information, not a diagnosis or advice about your specific relationship.
If you are afraid of your partner or in danger now, call 911. Your safety comes before any decision about the relationship.
Feeling torn both ways is common
Feeling pulled in two directions has a name: relationship ambivalence. It means part of you wants to stay and part of you wants to go, often at the same time. It can last for weeks, months or even longer.
Relationship ambivalence is not a sign that you are weak, flaky or broken. It usually means you care about the person and about yourself, and those two things feel like they are pulling apart. Big decisions are supposed to feel big.
It can help to stop asking "What is wrong with me for not knowing?" and start asking "What is each side of me trying to tell me?" Both sides often have something true to say.
Should I stay or leave? Wanting vs feeling stuck
One useful step is to pull apart two kinds of reasons that often get mixed together.
Researchers who study commitment describe more than one part to it. One part is wanting a future with this person. Another part is the things that make leaving hard or costly, like a shared home, money, kids, pets or friends in common (see Sources). These are different. Both can be strong at once.
Try this. Take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle.
On one side, write the reasons you want to stay. "I love how we laugh together." "I feel safe with them."
On the other side, write the reasons it would be hard to leave. "I can't afford the rent alone." "I don't want to split up the friend group."
Then look at the lists. If most of your reasons to stay are about how hard leaving would be, that is worth noticing. If many are about wanting this person and this life, that matters too. Neither list makes the decision for you. It just helps you see what is really going on.
Research on couples who live together also finds that wanting a future and feeling tied are separate forces (see Sources). Naming which one is speaking can make your thinking clearer.
Signs it is time to leave a relationship
Every relationship has hard times. But some signs suggest something deeper is wrong. Signs it is time to leave a relationship can include:
You feel afraid, controlled, watched or put down.
You have tried, really tried, to change things, and nothing moves.
You feel more like yourself when you are apart.
Respect is gone, on one side or both.
You no longer want the same things, and neither of you can bend.
You picture your future, and your partner is not in it.
If you see yourself in the first sign, please treat safety as the first step, not one item on a list.
Signs it may be worth working on first
Other signs suggest the relationship may still have room to grow:
The problems are recent, or tied to a stressful time like a new baby, a job loss or an illness.
You both still want to try.
You can still repair after a fight, even if it takes a while.
There is still warmth, humour or kindness between you.
The main problem is a pattern, like the same argument over and over, rather than a lack of care.
Many people asking "should I break up with my partner" find the answer gets clearer after a real attempt at change. If things improve, that tells you something. If they do not, that tells you something too. Either way, you will know you gave it a fair try.
Sometimes the doubt itself is the main problem. If you tend to worry about relationships even when things are good, that anxious doubt can feel just like a sign to leave. A counsellor can help you tell the difference.
If you are married or have kids
Marriage and children add more weight to the choice. There may be more to untangle: a home, shared savings, family traditions and years of history.
Many parents ask whether they should stay for the kids. There is no single answer, and it is a deeply personal choice. It can help to think about what home feels like for your children day to day, not only whether the family stays under one roof. If there is fear in the home, safety comes first for everyone, including the children. A counsellor can help you think through what is best for your family without rushing you.
If you are married and feel alone even when you are together, our post on feeling lonely in a marriage may help you put words to it. We also have a post on how to know if your marriage is over.
How counselling helps you decide
Counselling to decide about a relationship can happen on your own or as a couple.
On your own, counselling gives you a neutral place to think out loud. Your counsellor will not tell you to stay or go. They will help you hear your own reasons, notice patterns and think about what you want your life to look like. Many people find that just saying it all out loud, to someone with no stake in the outcome, brings relief.
As a couple, counselling can help if you both want to try. It gives each of you a fair chance to be heard and can help you see whether change is possible. Learn more about our couples counselling.
Either way, the decision stays yours. Our offices are in Kitchener, Waterloo, Cambridge and Ottawa, and we offer online sessions across Ontario.
If you are afraid to leave
Sometimes the question is not "should I stay or go" but "how do I get out safely." If you feel afraid of your partner, if they threaten you, control your money or phone, or hurt you, safety comes first.
Please do not try to talk it through in couples sessions. Instead, read about our support for survivors of violence. If you are in danger now, call 911. You deserve to feel safe, whatever you decide about the relationship.
Cost, billing and your first step
Sessions with our therapists range from $130 to $200, depending on the clinician.
We accept Health Spending Accounts (HSAs).
We can direct bill many insurers. Coverage depends on your plan, so check with your insurer before you start.
Book a free 15-minute consultation with our admin team. You can talk it through privately, and we will help you find a counsellor who fits.
If you are afraid of your partner or in danger now, call 911.
If you're in crisis: if you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 911. If you're thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night.
Last reviewed: October 2026
Sources
Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Markman HJ. Should I Stay or Should I Go? Predicting Dating Relationship Stability from Four Aspects of Commitment. Journal of Family Psychology, 2010.
Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Markman HJ. A Longitudinal Investigation of Commitment Dynamics in Cohabiting Relationships. Journal of Family Issues, 2012.