When most people picture narcissism, they imagine someone loud, boastful and always the centre of attention. But narcissism can also be quiet. Some people with strong narcissistic traits come across as shy, sensitive or hurt, while still leaving others feeling drained, guilty and on edge. This is often called covert narcissism. This post explains covert vs overt narcissism as researchers describe it, common covert narcissist signs, what it can feel like to be close to someone like this and how to protect yourself.
This post is general information, not a diagnosis of you or anyone in your life.
If you are not safe right now: if you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you are thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night.
Covert vs overt narcissist, two faces of narcissism
Researchers often describe two faces of narcissism (Jauk and Kaufman, 2018, see Sources):
Grandiose narcissism (overt). Bold, attention-seeking, dominant and focused on being admired.
Vulnerable narcissism (covert). Withdrawn, very sensitive to criticism and anxious.
The two can look very different on the surface. Researchers have found that they can overlap, especially in people with very high levels of narcissistic traits.
It is important to be clear: covert narcissism is a pattern of traits, not a diagnosis. Narcissistic personality disorder is a specific condition, and only a qualified professional can diagnose it. Many people have some of these traits at times without having a disorder. This post is meant to help you understand patterns, not to label a specific person.
Covert narcissist signs
Covert narcissist signs can be harder to spot than the loud kind. Some common ones include:
Quiet entitlement. Expecting special treatment, but showing it through sulking or resentment rather than demands.
Hypersensitivity to criticism. Even gentle feedback can lead to hurt, anger or withdrawal.
Resentment and envy. Feeling that others get more than they deserve, and that life is unfair to them.
Playing the victim. Turning conflicts around so they are the one who was wronged.
Withdrawal or sulking. Going silent or cold to show displeasure.
Wanting to belong while feeling left out. A strong wish to be included, mixed with a sense of never quite fitting in.
That last sign fits research on what people with these traits want. A study found that people high in vulnerable narcissism strongly wanted to be included, but did not feel they had the status or belonging they wanted (Mahadevan and Jordan, 2022, see Sources). That gap may help explain the hurt and resentment that often come with this pattern.
A covert narcissist in relationships, what it can feel like
Being close to someone with strong covert narcissistic traits, whether a partner, parent, friend or coworker, can be confusing. You may notice that you:
Walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting them
Feel guilty a lot, even when you are not sure what you did
Are always the one who apologizes
Doubt your own memory or judgment after arguments
Feel responsible for their moods
Feel tired or drained after spending time with them
It can be harder to spot than the loud kind because the person may seem sensitive, kind or wounded. Other people may not see what you see. You might wonder whether you are being unfair. Those feelings are understandable.
Part of what makes this pattern so confusing is that the hurt often looks real, because it often is real. The person may truly feel slighted or left out. The problem is not their feelings. It is when those feelings are used, again and again, to make you responsible for fixing them. You can care about someone's pain and still say no to carrying all of it.
How to deal with a covert narcissist
You cannot change someone else. But you can change how you respond. Here are some ideas for how to deal with a covert narcissist:
Set boundaries about your own behaviour. Focus on what you will do. "If the conversation turns to blame, I'll take a break and we can talk later." This works with partners, friends and family alike.
Keep responses calm and short. Long explanations often lead to more arguing. A simple, clear statement can help. Our post on I-statements shows how to say what you feel without blaming.
Do not try to diagnose or fix them. Telling someone they are a narcissist rarely helps. It often leads to more conflict.
Keep a trusted outside view. Talk to a friend, family member or counsellor who can help you check your own perceptions.
Look after yourself. Make time for people and activities that help you feel like yourself.
Decide what contact feels right. You may choose to stay close, step back or end the relationship. That is your choice.
When it becomes abuse
Difficult traits are one thing. Abuse is another. It may have crossed into abuse if someone:
Controls your money, phone, friendships or where you go
Threatens you, your children, your pets or themselves to get their way
Cuts you off from friends and family
Regularly puts you down, humiliates you or makes you doubt your sanity
Hurts you physically or sexually
If this sounds familiar, you are not overreacting, and it is not your fault. Our post on narcissistic abuse therapy in Ottawa explains how counselling can help survivors heal. If you are in danger, call 911.
What if this sounds like me?
Some readers may see themselves in this post. If you do, that is not a reason for shame. Wondering is actually a good sign. It shows self-awareness and a wish to grow.
Many people with these traits carry a lot of hurt, shame and sensitivity underneath. Those feelings can be worked on. Change often starts with small steps, like pausing before reacting to feedback or noticing when envy shows up and naming it to yourself. In individual counselling, you can explore where these patterns come from, learn to handle criticism with less pain and build closer, more honest relationships. You can meet in person or online from anywhere in Ontario.
Common questions about covert narcissism
What is covert narcissism? It is a term for vulnerable narcissism, a quieter form of narcissistic traits that can include sensitivity to criticism, resentment and withdrawal.
What is the difference between a covert vs overt narcissist? Overt or grandiose narcissism is bold and attention-seeking. Covert or vulnerable narcissism is more withdrawn and sensitive. Both can involve a strong focus on the self.
Can I diagnose someone as a covert narcissist? No. Only a qualified professional can diagnose a personality disorder.
Can counselling help if I am in a relationship with someone like this? Yes. Counselling can help you understand what is happening, set boundaries and look after yourself.
Cost, billing and your first step
Sessions with our therapists range from $130 to $200, depending on the clinician.
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We can direct bill many insurers. Coverage depends on your plan, so check with your insurer before you start.
Book a free 15-minute consultation with our admin team. We can help you find a counsellor who is a good fit for you.
If you are not safe: if you are in immediate danger, or someone is threatening or hurting you, call 911. If you are thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night.
If you're in crisis: if you or someone you love is in immediate danger, call 911. If you're thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 any time, day or night.
Last reviewed: October 2026
Sources
Jauk E, Kaufman SB. "The Higher the Score, the Darker the Core: The Nonlinear Association Between Grandiose and Vulnerable Narcissism." Front Psychol. 2018;9:1305. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6088174/
Mahadevan N, Jordan C. "Desperately Seeking Status: How Desires for, and Perceived Attainment of, Status and Inclusion Relate to Grandiose and Vulnerable Narcissism." Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 2022;48(5):704-717. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9066682/